Category Archives: Ancient History

Winter Story

I was shuffling through the white-blanketed creek bed, which was long divested of its babbling waters. It is amazing how falling snow can deaden sound enough to match perfectly the monochromatic blur that surrounded me. But perhaps it was the cold that had clapped its palms to my ears.
It has been observed that the loss of one of the senses permits the others to increase their reception. And with no sound, and all around me, pale light, I could only feel the massive rock towering above, pressing to either side of me.
There was no rush to escape the frigid world in which I paced. Only a few hours old, warm light and breakfast kept the chill away. And the winter cloak barred the whiteness from intruding.
I wasn’t really going anywhere, meandering idly, waiting. Never able to simply sit and wait for a thing, though, I was ever moving, shifting something in the meantime.
Back then I could do such a thing. In these new days, it is almost the same, only my mind is the silent wanderer, my feet old and grown complacent, leaving all to thought, revisiting these old haunts. My days of movement… ah, waiting… that’s what it was.
And it seems hours were gone by in that ravine, deathly still, snow constantly moving and swirling. Do snowflakes cavort? Or do they run amok? Falling just doesn’t seem a word used easily with snow.
But he did, in time, overtake me, and it was the heat that preceded him in greeting. As I turned, I raised my hand to hail him, forgetting the blindness that, of course would be afflicting him as well. But motion was tangible then, and he pulled up, close enough that I could see.
I could see a nearly white snow-man perched upon a mountain of a horse that steamed and puffed.
“Long ride?” I said, mostly observing.
“Just a few miles. Fine day for a stroll?”
“Tom, where are we going?” I asked, suddenly impatient with this blurred vision and inaction.
“Ask her, Govan, I’m only breaking trail because I’ve been here before. She’s the smart one. Meet Gretch.”
“Gretchen,” she corrected, in a voice that trembled. She swung her horse from Tom’s right quarter into view.
The cold was barely a nuisance to Tom and me. She was turning blue despite the heavy furs.
“Stupid, Tom, to bring that out here.”
She flinched.
“You should have had me come to you,” I said. “What’s the point of riding these miles to see me if your Most Important Trouble dies on the way?”
“She insisted,” He replied flatly. “We can head for the pass a mile up. There’s a break there and fixings for a fire.”
I shrugged and turned to head on, then stopped. I took off my cloak and pitched it up to the hunched figure on the horse. Even the animal she rode seemed a wretched thing, but that may only have to do with the monstrous beast Tom sat.
“She can have that. I’ll be fine.” I stumped off again, knowing I’d need to stay animated to keep the cold away.
“Wrong turn, Govan. It’s this way.”
The white sheets hadn’t left much for navigation. I stifled a curse and turned back around to follow the only guide I had. The fuzzy dark pair of smudges in the snow and their heat led on. It was so cold I couldn’t even smell the horses.

The message had read:
In the canyon, not at the house. Wait for me there. It may be a few days, I don’t know for certain. Make a try for me at noon and I will catch up to you then. We’re in trouble.
That had been a week ago, just before the snow came in force and closed the passes. The courier had been from town, only two miles east of my place.
He had smelt of smoke and a good dinner. Arrived at nightfall, stayed long enough for coffee, the only warm place near town being mine. Then he rode on to the west.
It made no sense, west, and I had called after him, but he’d hit the road at a dead run. Good horse. A pity if he killed it, running it like that. There is nothing but plains west of my house. Nothing is there, even today. It’s just flat grassland, all the way to the edge of the world.
And so, each day for a week, I woke late, ate well, knowing Tom would most likely drag me off to places where sleep and food were scarce. Where running or fighting would be the menu and hiding was all the rest to be found.
I took a pack every day, and retraced the length of my end of the canyon.
We’re in trouble

That bit stretched me a little thin. I’d held this tiny slice of land for four years, nestled in the forest at the mouth of the canyon. There was nothing to do but drink coffee, trap and rest there. Years of travel, war, and never enough food had built up this retreat into a mansion of a dream, and Tom was just the shake I didn’t want to wake me up.
Tom was, of course, the one thing, not man, woman, general nor emperor that could command my presence. Still I was, and am even now, surprised he hadn’t also recommended I fire the house before I left.
I wonder if it’s still there. Dusty and moldering in the trees, safeguarding books no one has read since my own residence. And the garden, run wild. Or perhaps someone came upon it one day, and brought the cheery light back into the windows. I still think on the books, and the tobacco in neat jars in the closet. I can imagine the crackle of the pipe and rustle of pages.


Architecture

Something with these colors, perhaps more greens. Flowing lines, like threads or cobwebs. None of the traditional looking clicky buttons. Something in which the reader can become enthralled.
I’ll probably never publish the collection in book form, for profit or widespread dispersion. It’ll most likely go out to the world when I croak off. I’ll put that in my will, how bout that.
But here, on this medium, it can be read, hopefully appreciated by others. I’ve seen little so far that is similar to my work, so maybe it’ll be fresh. I would love to have the play-time designing images around or for each piece. Simple work, but pretty. Maybe some realization of my mind’s setting when I’m writing the stuff.
I’d like to really open the windows. Maybe someone will see something there that I’ve not seen. Maybe the work involved in compiling and constructing will open a few eyes in and of itself. I might learn something. Might very well end up with alot of new writing. Might finally finish some of the projects I’ve let sit in the shadows for years.
More than just posting thoughts, I can share my work. What good is it if I keep it where it will only gather dust, pages slowly falling apart. Gold leaf on the net will stay gold. On a book, it’ll fade or flake away.
How would you like to read the story of the Golden Beads. Or dive into Flight. Rejoice with the lords of life. Dance in the desert or fall to your knees Behind These Dunes. Or cry at the keyboard. Walk the desolation with Rowan and Rune. Watch over someone with no name, who pleads with you for protection. Fall For Me. Grow old and dance one last time with your daughter. Farewell to someone who smiled her last breath. Drift into madness or return from terror. Want something so much your muscles strain, or marvel at the gift of Breath. Would you like that? I would share my version of it.


Miracles

Not too long after I started making the entries in here, Lib made an entry which was righter than most, including me, would’ve expected.  Of course, hardly anything that happens in my life could be described as simple or even easy.  Lib knows me pretty well after all these years, but I’ve been known to pull a good surprise on even my greatest critics from time to time.  Still, she called it right.  Nothing short of miracles.

With major shifts in philosophy, religion (yep, I said it) and some REALLY recent stuff which I cannot divulge, the pooka program has finally taken a turn for the best.  I know, riddles and secrets abound, but not for too much longer.  I’m just aligning these entries and their content so as not to interfere with snailmail and other communications media.

It’ll be understood in due time, soonest, promptly, quick, whatever.


Changes

Delayed entries have to happen sometimes.

I’ve been a bit busy repairing my life.  My marriage is no longer on the rocks.  Actually, it’s more on the tracks than it was when we started.  No, I’m not advertising the particulars of the solution yet.  I’m still working out the timing and wording.

BUT.  I can say that my three wonderful kiddos are responding very positively to the change in the home atmosphere and have nearly reverted to normal demons instead of borg-juicer-demons.

My wonderful, beautiful, smart, sweet (blahblahblah) wife is mine again.  We’re not at each other’s throats or anything else (except when necking, which is at an all-time high compared to the past few years).

This time it’s permanent.  We’ve found a decent superglue system to put us back together, and we’re overjoyed to not only be cooperating and loving, but so much more at peace and ready to deal with the real issues (raising kids, ganging up on the rest of the world, planning a future).

What more to say?  We’ll leave the suspense account overdrafted for a bit more.


You and Your Way

Religion

This was written just before my conversion. I’d say maybe a few days, perhaps a week. The date of this post is that which reflects its last editing on the computer. I’m not sure of the exact date of creation. What follows is my argument with my Wife over the Faith:

My opinions on Christianity are not intended to show my judgment of you. I have conflicts with Christianity on many levels.  Control is most likely one of them.  I don’t know how to explain all of it clearly either.
In some ways I often wish I could drop everything and choose Christ. There are innumerable reasons to do so.

There are too many things in my life that have argued against this, also.  Free will is still one of them (most Christian opinions would say this is my control issue).  I don’t understand how there is only one act of free will in following God, which is freely making the choice to follow.  That reduces the entire free will of an entire lifetime to literally one choice.  From then on, there is nothing but God’s plan, and prior to the choice there is nothing but Satan’s plan.  This does not make sense to me.

On a different note, all the rules and guidelines of Christianity, which you strive to accept, follow and face, are not things for me to judge or disapprove.  You are, regardless of my problems with God, trying to get your life together, improve your spirit and mind, and generally fix as much as possible.  I neither have the right nor the desire to come between you and your way.

The only problem that can occur between us is when our differences come between us.  This happens most when we try to impose our personal choices upon each other.  If I have done this so far, I wish to repent, for I have wronged you.  I do not want to impose my moral and spiritual beliefs on you, for it is not yours.  In kind, I would like you to consider me in the same light and determine if you are trying to impose your own morality and spirituality upon me.


Dang

I was mistaken.  Truce broken, no treaty.  I think it was my fault.  I allowed myself to engage in an argument.  I was defensive and even a bit angry by the end of it.  She won by calling an end to it.

Here are the questions of the day.

1.  My philosophy is to avoid the oncoming Mack truck.  The law of gross tonnage translates quite clearly to get out of the way of anything bigger than you are.  Question not whether it will dodge you.  I did this the other day with the BBSUV and was attacked for it.  I will quote Heinlein on this:  “It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion.  I say it is better still to be a live lion, and maybe easier.”  A lion knows when not to get in a fight.  Why is that wrong enough to hurt our relationship?

2.  My ideals are a combined result of several years of living an unusual life and encountering unusual people, all of whom are exceptionally intelligent.  Counted high among these people and experiences are my wife and our life together.  Suddenly, it seems I am faced with compulsory revision or deletion of some of my core ideals.  Is it necessary to do so in order to preserve our relationship?

3.  RELIGION.  I do not approve of many of the teachings of organized religion.  I do not believe that church, faith, ritual or any other religious concept is integral to my existence.  I feel that, all my life, the church has taught me more falsehoods than truths.  HOWEVER, I usually keep my trap shut about this.  I do not condemn others’ religious choices in deed or word.  I do not attend church.  I will not be coerced into attending church for any reason.  To participate in this farce is a breach of my integrity.  Why is this an issue in preserving our relationship?

4.  Forgive my objectivist tendencies, but if someone wants help, is anyone obliged to jump up from their own personal war with their own demons to help their neighbor battle it out with something completely unrelated?  I am willing to help, within my abilities, with any issue.  Does this mean I have to put my life or my vital dealings on hold?

5.  If something is bad for you…  I’m not talking about smoking or beer or talking too loud…  But really bad, such as a dangerous, untrustworthy, criminal existing in your house, what do you do?  My personal approach to the situation would be either rid my house of the threat or rid myself of the house.  I am receiving unfounded attacks upon my character.  This is not just some aspect of my character, but ALL of me.  I am starting to have a split personality of which my other half is a drunk, abusive, criminal, crazed sort of “trailer-trash” bum/male.  I swore not to take this personally, but C’MON!

I’ll stop now.  That was the Saturday 5.  I’m on the couch again, so you know where to reach me.  Just a stone’s throw from this here monitor, yall hear?  UstaCould I’d be up in at der bedroom makin’ whoopie.  Now I just sit round chear drinkin’, spittin’ and cussin’ at stuff.  I need ta git me a dawg.


Test Run

Gave up the couch last night.  Tried having much missed company in bed.  Pleasant, but I really started getting attached to the couch.  It’s really comfortable.

I finished the Star-Trek leadership book.  Don’t read it.  BLEK!  The theories are great, but the illustrations, which are pulled directly from TNG episodes are junk.  Somebody came up with a list of leadership values and then tried to fit what appears to be randomly chosen episodes to those values.

GARBAGE.

And the lingo was that of a wannabe trekkie (Wheaton-lovers)  (throw toast).  I am not a trekkie, but have sufficient experience with such people that I can recognize dumb when I see it.  These authors are just what I would expect to show up at the Ren wearing Klingon garb.

I like this url-link stuff.  It’s really fun.

I got up with the kiddies this morning, and we watched HPATSS for the umpteenth time.  Pancakes and ham and such followed, then construction of a lego castle.  What a fun morning.  Mama got to sleep in and we had ourselves Daddytime.

Things seem to be cooling down, and life is more pleasant for now.  Still awaiting the Jericho syndrome to come full circle.


Truce

Everyone who has been in my place before me has heard of or used this word.  I think we have reached truce, but where does it lead us?  Truce is nothing more than cease-fire.  No resolution has been made, no reward but the alleviation of total conflict.

I will continue to push for answers to our relationship’s problems.  This, I hear, is called the “Seven Year Itch.”  Whatever it is called, I am determined not to take this lightly nor be smoothed over like the crunchy peanut butter on the sandwich bread.

Maybe we can begin discussions again without open argument.  If that happens, great, but it isn’t the solve.  I still believe we need to take this outside our little arena and get a translator.  I think the counselor might be the way to go.  My other half needs to be willing to work on this idea also, though.

In other news, my military situation appears to have ramped up.  Some things I have been waiting on since arriving here in the “best little secret in the Navy” are finally getting up to speed.  I might be working for real soon.

I’m hearing also from my potential second job some tunes that I might be starting up soon.  That’ll bring in a good bit more cash and will begin to set me up for success in my long-term career after the Federal Yacht Club dues are up.

Relations at work are okay.  I’m not feeling quite as tired as earlier this week.

Took the kiddies to Chuck E Rat’s pizza joint today.  I haven’t had fun like that in quite awhile.  Quite worth the offensively squandrous amount of cash we spent there.  Note to inexperienced patrons:  DO NOT accompany your kid in the “ball-crawl-tunnel-slide-thingy.”  Based on my tactile and olfactory receptions in there, they don’t clean it enough.  YUCK!  If I were to go there regularly, boiling water and bleach deluge once a week would not keep that joint free of the greasysweatycheesydirtydroolybarfyleakyfootfunkysneezy demon that infests the Chuck E Rat’s playground.

I must be getting back to normal.  My run-on sarcasm and non-humor has returned.


Distance

Before me is day number four of my self-imposed isolation.  I’ve done well at it, I think, though it seems only to be serving myself.  It appears to be as much an irritant to her as our normal interactions were prior to this.  I am at least enjoying the blessing of hearing less and having less occasions to respond to the strikes.

I am trying, though, to keep up contact with the girls, which seems to be going okay.  My household duties have not suffered, though the response to resuming them was as expected.  First thing I heard was that I am showing off my abilities again.

This is just a waiting period.  Waiting to see what can be gained by professional help, waiting to see whether something new occurs.  I think I can keep this up without too much trouble.  It is certainly helping my attitude at work.  I’m bringing less stress with me.

It appears, however, that any resolution made here between the two of us will most likely be superficial at best.  We’ve done that before, every time.  Each time after that has been worse.  I can’t project any better if we “smooth it over” again this time.  We need an outside source and solution.  That’s why I contacted the counselor.

On possibly a more humorous note, I started a new line of reading this week.  I’ve a reasonably subsantial collection of topics on leadership and personal effectiveness.  So I started a review of Sun Tzu.  Finishing that, I skipped on over to a Roberts/Ross book entitled “Make It So,” which is, as it sounds, leadership theories set in a TNG log-entry theme.

I have a couple other copies of Sun Tzu, “The 48 Laws of Power,” some Heinleins, L’Amours and various others that have made it to my quickly tailored list.  Most of these are old friends, some I’ve never cracked before.

Maybe one will render some sort of aid, even miniscule works, for this whole fiasco.

I must take a moment again to recognize Lib for putting this blog together for me.  Probably the best thing I can have in my toolbag.  I don’t write my thoughts logically or in good linear fashion.  With this being more publicer I have to pay a little more attention to how much sense I make and it is easier to blab on a keyboard.  I’ll save the handwriting for poetry.


Revolt

I thought and thought, and thought some more.  Here is what I found in the murk.

For a few days, about since I started this journal, I’ve slacked off.  All this fighting and misery took the energy out of me.  I lost the motivation of which I am so proud.

I hadn’t cleaned up, hadn’t paid much attention to the kids, not even the cats saw much of me.

All those things which superficially cause this rift between us such as the cleaning, organizing, fixing, whatever, had stopped.

Whoops.

Integrity.  A word I learned about four years ago popped into my head.  The definition is not as important as the ideal.  The ideal is simply one’s character.  To tarnish the ideal (slack off of the things one perceives as good, as duty, as proper) is to lose integrity.

Why stop what is right-doing because you suddenly don’t care?  I DO care.  I have the strength, and the simple tasks of cleaning and whatnot are perfect for clearing the mind, causing satisfaction (probably the only satisfaction of late).

So I resolved to start over this morning, as soon as I woke up, to rebuild that pattern so easily ruined over a few days and lots of fighting.  Damn what she thinks about why I do what I do.  I know my doings are right, productive and beneficial, therefore I will do them.

If we ever get out of this, she might appreciate the fact that the house is still clean, the kids are still clean, the cats aren’t starving, the computer has no viruses, the trash made it out.

What more do I need to say.

Oh, yeah.  I can say that since 6:30 this morning, my day has gone considerably better than the last few.  Cleaning the cat box was a downer, but four loads of laundry and a running of the vacuum wiped the smell off my mind and left me euphorically satisfied with a job well done.

(And now I won’t trip on that damned toy for the 432nd time this week)

I think this will be a better state in which to meet the counselor tomorrow afternoon too.  It is possible to keep some sanity in all this.


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