Category Archives: More About

March 2, 2012

A Wall I Might Not Climb

By Pooka

I haven’t explored much me in recent times at this blog. So suppose there’s still a place for such things. I think it’s a trap. OTOH maybe I can record it and revisit in hopes I can work it out. As may be seen shortly, however, I haven’t much confidence of success here. Conversation seems to fail me – I cannot bring up the terms and phrases that make all this clear, so discussing this in person just doesn’t work at this point. Of course I wonder if it ever has in my short history.

Something that frustrates me greatly is my lack of mental acuity to know what to do in a situation involving conflict. Specifically I mean conflicting personalities or motives. I’m tied up in some sort of blinding bubble that seems to prevent me from thinking clearly how to respond to direction or make decisions based on how others respond to me. I am tempted to back into a shell. In some regards, I think my head is still spinning from the buzz of three very intensive weeks of change. Things are very different from what I remember of all my previous assignments, even the other ships. Granted, I’m in a different paygrade and therefore position of authority, but what I remember from before does not reflect in what I see now. So things are confusing.

All that being said, I see my typical failures coming right through, amplified in some cases, but consistent. I can’t seem to employ tact in giving direction or making decisions. I can’t seem to communicate in a way that appeals to others. In fact, I’ve done a fair job of ruining others’ good impression of me in a couple of cases and I’m not sure there is a quick way to repair that. That, however, is something I think I can handle, for I’m aware of the method by which I may seek restoration: humble patience. I’m not necessarily good at that, but I know to pursue it; and for as long as necessary. But I keep stumbling over my own intentions and desires, my own understanding of these conflicted situations and mixed personalities. And it’s highly discouraging. I simply do not know what to do at any given moment. I wish I could explain the circumstances in which I find myself with a little more detail, but due to the professional nature of the situation I cannot.

So why is it that I can’t seem to get things right? One would think that, after 16 years of experience in this field, variety in many aspects making me supposedly well-exposed to a great variety of character and wisdom-building events, I would have learned how to deal with these conflicts. I am highly tempted to fall back on my old belief that this simply isn’t the place for me. Perhaps I’m not really cut out for this role. But in many ways I love it. I do enjoy the technical work and caring for others; trying to help with the labor and profession of this team. Every team with which I’ve been associated has seen me wanting to do for them. But I think every time I have seen the same failures on my part. This one may well be up there for contention as the worst 3 weeks of them all.

I know the fault of mine. But I cannot trace the fault of mine to every corner of the trial I find. My sin has undone some things which will take time and continued repentance to repair (Lord willing). But I still can’t escape my weakness. I can’t seem to overcome this inability to make wise decisions and time them correctly. And I can’t respond correctly when the conflict comes. Once upon a time everything was easy. I didn’t have these responsibilities. But that was long ago and now I have it, have had it for quite some time. And I have not experienced any improvement over that time. It appears to me as though I was still fresh into the pool with no stroke or rhythm whatsoever. This is a race I just don’t think I can run. Now that the overconfidence that stems from selfishness and newness has been crushed, I’m back to zero again. It seems to happen that way every time. I’m 37. I know there are a lot of years left in the maturity scales (should the Lord be kind to me in my aging). I have plenty of time on the job but from my perspective I show no remarkable improvement.

I swear that I am not a leader of men and right now I regret that I am again in that position.

The words of a wise man’s mouth win him favor,
but the lips of a fool consume him.
The beginning of the words of his mouth is foolishness,
and the end of his talk is evil madness.
A fool multiplies words,
though no man knows what is to be,
and who can tell him what will be after him?
The toil of a fool wearies him,
for he does not know the way to the city.
(Ecclesiastes 10:12-15 )

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May 25, 2011

Of Dusty Footpaths and The Last Homely House

By Pooka

I’ve been thinking about old pubs, long hikes, greeting people on the road. Simplicity and true social interaction (as opposed to this electronic thing). A blog I am following has stirred this post and imagery up in my mind – called up stuff from almost 30 years of thinking and reading.

So I guess I still pine, sometimes, for an era I never saw, where it wasn’t buzz-buzz-buzz all the long day. When a man took a constitutional hike, had time to meet folks, didn’t quaff coffee en-route a 15-16 hour day that ended six hours into the next one. Sometimes I’ve been told, and even occasionally had a fleeting belief that such utopian silliness is just that, and there has never been such an age where things were simple, low-key and real.

Tolkien, Lewis, Herriot, Graham. They set the scene for me way way back and it never left. Just gets clouded over or burned out by the days in which I find myself. Ever think about just walking, for an hour or six, with just a friend, talking when it happened, or just breathing the air and taking in the land? Reading The Wind in the Willows, Watership Down, the Hobbit, The Trumpet of the Swan and a multitude of other books, mostly titles forgotten, contributed very early on to the building of a little corner in my mind that is quieter, lonesome and sort of at peace; entirely contradicting the normal routine of my days.

Not that I’m advocating monasticism or a mass retreat back to some golden age. There really are plenty of folk out there who are thick in the midst of the global glob, right where they belong. And there’s where many or maybe most should be. What’s to hurt if one guy who dreams about this stuff drops off the grid and lets the rest sort of spin around him. I suppose that would require a receptive environment (IOW unlike Sandy Eggo). Just being tangled up in my family and a local job, knowing the neighbors and having little, if any knowing of the guys a thousand miles away.

Doesn’t the world ever get just a little too big? Like you’re a little wood-chip floating on the surface of Lake Tahoe or something? Could there not be some guardians, last little homes on the edge of the wild? I can easily daydream of overgrown cottages, virtually invisible in the clutter of hay and weeds, all but forgotten. Except the quiet folk who inhabit those little places.

Quiet folk that simply are. They’re there in the world, yet not in everything. They hold opinions on what they need to and nothing more. They can tell you where the food is best or where to find a quiet day. They can  take you to the little church where a similar man maintains the homely place, preaching on Sunday and helping others the following six days. 1 Thessalonians 4, though not directly dealing with my theme, still serves to quench some of the intensity of my days, leading me back ’round to all these images.

”…But we urge you, brothers, to do this more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one.”

But I think maybe sometimes we spread ourselves too thin. All over a city rather than a local circuit. We’re so commonly cruising the globe on an airship made of electrons where some might really need to be hiking a countryside that’s limited to how far a man can walk in a day. I get overwhelmed more often than not, with the immensity of all the world. 

Sometimes I’d like to think that, one day, people will think of me as a sort of fixture, a fitting part of a place, only knowing what’s worth knowing and maybe just a little center of homely peace. Surely quite unlike what I am right now.

Heinlein said specialization is for insects. I think that’s pretty much right, but it does break down at some point. You can spread yourself so thinly over a broad enough area (culture, society, issues, skillsets) that there is no longer any value in any one of them. I think I’ve done more “outside” my life than in it. And it’s become ingrained too – high speed/low drag, as we say in my occupation.

Tolkien leads me to wonder what more could I be to my little life-realm if it was all reigned back in and could be found on a map of the shire. Hobbits didn’t mess with the rest of the map unless they were, and few were, called to the outside. Funny thing is, I still don’t “feel” called. Though I’ve been here for so long. 

To think of what I could think of,
were my thoughts thought so much closer to home.
Instead of spread like a spider’s web
across the sea and stone.

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May 4, 2011

We don't deserve all this

By Pooka

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve mustered up anything to write about. There are dozens of topics and issues mulling around in here, all worthy of coverage, some even really important. There’s just no forming up enough to get it together. Well, I have something, actually.

How God has worked out many, many things over the last 37 years.

I look on my pagan life – years, not distant enough, of denying the God of the Bible His right place as sovereign of all things – as the preparation and set-up of that which would come in 2003. Being a good Calvinist, I can’t see how everything just “worked out” the way it did prior to my becoming property of the King of Kings. I always was, just not in the validated, personal, realized way that is only reached by acceptance, submission, repentance and baptism. The Holy Spirit hadn’t flipped the switch that connected me to the kingdom.

I fell in love with a girl. She was absolutely the worst possible choice for me. A Christian kid, too young and too good for me. A witch should stick to his own kind. But God didn’t have that in mind. He drew me right to this perfect match out of the blue. A friend of a friend, letters, a couple of phone-calls and suddenly we were together, in the middle of a bunch of messes from parents to baby-on-the-way. No job, no future, nothing but this man and woman together with their heads spinning. That’s just the start. But the end state was Anika praying for me and God answering her prayer.

From the first time I pondered marriage and kids, I’ve wanted a daughter. Never had much interest in a son. Might be a result of my un-man qualities like despising organized sport, chest-beating, all-things competitive, whatever. So God gave me one. And this daughter was/is the most amazing one. She was the hardest thing I’d ever encountered in twenty two years of life. Molly’s arrival, I think, began the process that broke my back. When Anika and I got Molly, we got a package of life that was incredibly intelligent, capable, endlessly amazing, and beautiful. Only God could have stuffed so much into this brand-new person who suddenly came under our stewardship.

And God worked His redemptive theme right into my life through the arrival of Molly. She wouldn’t have had a Daddy if it hadn’t been for a moment of absolute insanity, a split-second of decision for which I cannot claim credit. God gave us the desire to keep her. That’s how it has to have worked. She needed a family. Sickly sinners don’t make decisions like that on their own.

Then Roen came. Roen had a very messed up leg when she was born. And she needed surgery right away to fix it up. but God put doctors and parents in place for repair work and love this little girl needed; who didn’t deserve a stitch of the hardship she got. And she walks now, bouncy and silly as if there had never been a problem. There’s a scar and a little bit of funny shape to that leg. A reminder of how valuable life is to God, and how He shows mercy and grace on the lame, broken, dysfunctional sinners in this world. Even before Roen met Christ, before I met Him, God was repairing damage, giving life.

Then Gwendollyn came. Almost didn’t. Gwen came out blue and purple, her life nearly snuffed before she opened her eyes the first time because of the tangled mess of cord. But again, the Lord had mercy. She breaths today by God’s goodness and grace. And God has added to her blessing a mind that is tuned to capture His creation in amazing pictures and other art.

And Joscelin. By the Grace of God, this surprise baby wasn’t safe from the curse of this fallen place. But through the capable, loving hands of a crowd of people, God assembled a resolution that turned a girl from isolation, a life scarred by autism into a beautiful, hope-filled, beam of sunshine who talks and hugs and helps and loves.

And to them, all four, He has given His Son. Jesus died for them and they know it. My girls belong to Christ’s church and have a place reserved for them in the new Heaven and Earth.

So I got just what I wanted. Four of them. And they’re, each one, nothing less than God’s grace and bountiful generosity wrapped in flesh and bone. I couldn’t have asked Him for them – couldn’t pray, couldn’t trust or believe. But that didn’t matter so much, because God works His will regardless of people’s opinion.

Had Christ subjected His life, death and resurrection to a vote, it would’ve been unanimously rejected. Nobody consulted with God about the atonement. And so, in a little-bitty way, neither did the Lord need my request or anything else from me to give this gift. Like salvation. I didn’t ask for it, I tripped over it when God put it in front of me. Now? I want it every day. Savor the reminder every Sunday and feast with my Savior at His table. Relish the memory of my baptism.

We don’t deserve all this. We can’t repay it. My girls have a Christ-loving home, however imperfect it is (dismally, most of the time), not because of their parents, but because of the Lord. We are all healthy and alive not because of our care for ourselves, but because of Him.

  • Economy crashed? I have a job that sticks.
  • Ran out of money? He drove me right into a second job.
  • He led us through all sorts of confusion and the misleading modern world to a church that honors Him and teaches the Truth.
  • He has preserved us through hurricanes.
  • He has kept us warm and safe in a blizzard after wrecking our car on the highway.
  • He has saved our lives by parents, Christians, doctors and soldiers more than a few times.
  • We’ve been kept safe in planes and ships and cars. From dogs and weapons and thugs and disease.
  • He has held our family together through long separations, war, hopelessness and helplessness. For about 15 years now, we’ve grown as a family. No attrition.
  • My kids are surviving public school. They have been protected day in and out from the sickly stench of drugs, immorality, vulgarity and God-hating culture. An unhappy side effect is that reminder that we’re still sorely messed up and still in dire need of a Savior, even if He has shielded us from the extremities of Sodom.

Yeah, today is my birthday. I don’t deserve any of this. Gifts throughout the year, every year, have come down from On High. By God’s grace, I’m here. Rich beyond all measure.

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! – Romans 7:25

And… If you survived the really long read, here’s a treat that can only be enjoyed once in a lifetime:

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April 3, 2011

Common Grace or Providence?

By Pooka

 

I took this down on the previous posting. Here it is again, minor revisions, but essentially un-changed. I couldn’t figure a way to revise for better coherence without losing my own train of thought. I do appreciate that I had a reader seriously take time to critique my work here.

Is divine judgement manifest in the good things God provides? Does goodness ultimately mean wrathful justice in the arena of the unregenerate? Paul tells us to return evil with good in Romans:

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”  To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. – Romans 12:17-21

I was asked if I believe in common grace, and what it means. This has been mulling around in my head since I first heard of the term, which wasn’t too long ago, maybe three or so years. I think it’s kind of ambiguous – a term that’s used to blanket a lot of ideas about what’s good and beneficial. Maybe it’s just human nature to generalize terms as soon as possible just to avoid misapplying them.

Such generalization is a ridiculous practice, because eventually it leads to Rob Bellicosity and mysteriofication of everything important in theology. Better to have a specific term for specific ideas, even if it means technical, archaic, hard-to-say or lengthy and unwieldy. Get your labels clear and your package will be received intact and by the right person. This is why I’m a firm believer in confessions and creeds. Keeping straightforward, consistent interpretations of the Bible makes for safer navigation of theological waters.

In doing some definitions reading prior to this post, I came across the Christian Reformed Church (CRC) idea about the Gospel being a matter of common grace. This is not, in my opinion, the appropriate term for what is also called the “well intended offer” of the Gospel. Preaching Christ and Him crucified for our sins is an honest call for all sinners just doesn’t seem to be common grace. It seems more like common preaching. I think a better term should be in place of that idea. This, however, is probably above my knowledge level so I offer a couple of links for further reference:

I think I’d rather treat with what I think is the common version of common grace, a positive view of God’s providence.

Before I’d heard of common grace, I think I operated in a sort of concept where God “just did stuff.” I always tried to apply meaning to whatever happened, looking for a root cause or purpose to every in life. I suspect that this is a holdover from my witchcraft days which is equivalent to a distilled, hopped-up kind of superstition which pervades most religious or “spiritual” parts of culture. I was raised in the light-weight version of it, as a baptistic evangelical type, anyway, looking for purpose in God’s dispensational dealings with His 2nd family (the church). This leads me on a bit of a diatribe here, off-track for a minute.

We Christians need to dispose of the mindset that everything happens to us or because of us. It’s a bloody pagan idea. Essentially, this preoccupation with God’s “meddling” with everything under the sun is a biblicized form of karma or fortune-telling. We have so meshed our minds with “simple-minded” culture that we’ll jump at black cats, rainy days and traffic jams, looking in the Bible as if it were a deck of tarot-cards for meaning to every little stitch of an accident in our lives that applies to us in some way.

This is not a Biblical approach to life. We are not the center of all things, and Christianity is not a purely personal experience. I’d rather say that the personal experience in belonging to Christ is the icing on the cake, like having a best friend, which includes the icing of good feelings and hugging. This general error of “it’s all about me” is making a tiki-god out of our One True God. I’m serious. I actually have prayed for a good parking spot before, and when failing to find one, it actually crossed my mind that perhaps I was being punished because I cut that guy off on the freeway on the way to said parking spot. I kid you not. Now this is an extreme example in my case, though true, and harkens back to my witchcraft days, which brings me back to the real train tracks.

Witches, in my sphere of experience – though I’m sure I don’t speak for all, just most – seek to influence or downright control what’s happening and what’s going to happen through magic. Everything from charms to crystals, ceremonial magic to chanting, all are designed to make something go right for the practitioner. This religious practice is applicable to the mundane (worldly, secular or common) as well as the holy (spiritual, sacred, theologically significant). And it comes from a need for personal meaning, significance and power. Like I said, this is a hyper-ized kind of superstition. I would liken it to the word-of-faith movement in the church world, which is sheer idolatry and mysticism just with a Christian-like context. I doubt I need to go into detail.

So all that superstitious mysticism  didn’t just disappear when I was made a child of God. It has taken some serious time and still causes me troubles with things like the Lord’s Table and Baptism. Means of grace in general are something I have to be careful with because it was such a part of my life, ritual and magic and ceremony that were almost analogous to some ideas in sacramental language, that I tend to want to “feel the energy” so to speak. I’ve also had to wrestle with the fact, common to most of us, that I’m not the center of every jot and tittle in the bubble that is my experience.

Anyway, all that is not common grace. Common grace, in my understanding, is God’s providential care for all of His creation. In Calvinism, we tend to think about the elect and non-elect, but as Spurgeon said (my paraphrase), there is no E on the back of every regenerate head in the church. I think this is how God operates as well. ALL thing belong to Him. He cares for His creation, regardless of the fact that some are raised up as vessels for His wrath. God has instilled in all people some measure of the capacity to know right from wrong.

And He has given even the vilest of us the capability to act with kindness and mercy. Even Hitler or some other fiend in history had to have done some kindness toward his wife or dog or some such at some point. The rain brings healing to a ravaged land, whether the people within are unregenerate pagans or not. The same sun shines on the garden of a hoary-headed Bible preacher destined for glory as well as that of a die-hard liberal nutjob destined for the great eternal ideologue pyre (had to put in my personal opine, there).

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! – Matthew 7:7-11

I don’t like the idea that every act of God that is good for His Chosen People is also a proclamation of judgement on those who hate Him. I think it’s reaching too far into the pages to find such a belief. Does it work? Yeah, I guess so. But it’s probably more like Occam’s Razor (a favorite theme of mine, anyway). There is judgement implied in God’s favor. To An Extent! A sweet call to repentance instead of a condemnation of sin is still a call to repentance. God works in both ways. He can and does call the cops as well as the robbers.

Jonah was the speaker for Nineveh’s call to repentance. It was a threat of judgement. Jesus dealt sweet mercy to the sick and bereft during His ministry, a call that was hardly a threat of judgement (not at all to say that Jesus had any alternate theology from Jonah whatsoever). Goodness wins over the masses just as often as a good “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” sermon (though I’ll beg to wonder about what is beginning to look a lot to me like emotional manipulation and crowd psychology in that era of revivalism, but that is for another day).

Okay, so here’s the rub. I think this is a problem of terms. Common grace isn’t really the right term. In reading Berkhof, who needs much more attention from me (poor me, without a book fund – sniffle), I find that grace should be more like Grace. Grace really seems to be better suited to relating to God’s special intervention in our lives in either a soteriological or sanctifying manner.

For example, being hit over the head by the 2×4 of belief after reading Romans is grace. Also, being hit over the head by Covenant Theology is grace. Both are a seriously definitive event beyond the mundane. Perhaps a revision is in order, at least in my dictionary. Providence sounds like a better word. I’d like to redefine, however, or prefix a meaning to providence, making it to say “beneficial providence” and “detrimental providence” instead.

I’m not talking about any kind of effect or dealing from God here that is salvific or leading to salvation, though certainly either of these providence types can be instrumental in conversion. The subject is really just the daily ordering of an ordered creation. God is organized, holds things together, and with His hand deals both trial and blessing upon all His creation. So it is a fundamental of our routine existence we’re dealing here, not a soteriological issue.

Beneficial providence is that event which is to be considered good by the common judgement of common people everywhere, from cleansing rain to hearty food and good company. Detrimental providence is everything from lost keys to a miserable flu that just won’t stop making the rounds. I don’t think we can assign degrees to these, per say, defining when providence crosses over into grace, for that is relative to the individual. It’s just that we can’t say that everything is a catalyst for the end-times. I hope that isn’t too extreme an analogy to make the point.

In summary, the issue is really whether God is kind to just Christians or also to those who are not and never will be. Which introduces another question, does God reserve His wrath for the reprobate only or do Christians have to face it in their lives as well? I would hazard a rough guess (not too rough, actually), that there’s a lot going for God dealing both sweet and sour to both saved and damned. The problem, if we come to the conclusion that God is just and loving, should end up at the cross. As our pastor said so well, Justice and Love kissed at the cross. God poured out His full measure of wrath upon the innocent Jesus and simultaneously poured out the full extent of His love on His fully guilty creation.

Here’s a section from Berkhof (from http://www.theologue.org/CommonGrace-Berkhof.html)

3. Another objection to the doctrine of common grace is that it presupposes a certain favorable disposition in God even to reprobate sinners, while we have no right to assume such a disposition in God. This stricture takes its starting point in the eternal counsel of God, in His election and reprobation. Along the line of His election God reveals His love, grace, mercy, and long-suffering, leading to salvation; and in the historical realization of His reprobation He gives expression only to His aversion, disfavor, hatred, and wrath, leading to destruction. But this looks like a rationalistic over-simplification of the inner life of God, which does not take sufficient account of His self-revelation. In speaking on this subject we ought to be very careful and allow ourselves to be guided by the explicit statements of Scripture rather than by our bold inferences from the secret counsel of God. There is far more in God than we can reduce to our logical categories. Are the elect in this life the objects of God´s love only, and never in any sense the objects of His wrath? Is Moses thinking of the reprobate when he says: “For we are consumed in thine anger, and in thy wrath are we troubled”? Ps. 90:7. Does not the statement of Jesus that the wrath of God abideth on them that obey not the Son imply that it is removed from the others when, and not until, they submit to the beneficent rule of Christ? John 3:36. And does not Paul say to the Ephesians that they “were by nature children of wrath even as the rest”? Eph. 2:3. Evidently the elect can not be regarded as always and exclusively the objects of God´s love. And if they who are the objects of God´s redeeming love can also in some sense of the word be regarded as the objects of His wrath, why should it be impossible that they who are the objects of His wrath should also in some sense share His divine favor? A father who is also a judge may loathe the son that is brought before him as a criminal, and feel constrained to visit his judicial wrath upon him, but may yet pity him and show him acts of kindness while he is under condemnation. Why should this be impossible in God? General Washington hated the traitor that was brought before him and condemned him to death, but at the same time showed him compassion by serving him with the dainties from his own table. Cannot God have compassion even on the condemned sinner, and bestow favors upon him? The answer need not be uncertain, since the Bible clearly teaches that He showers untold blessings upon all men and also clearly indicates that these are the expression of a favorable disposition in God, which falls short, however, of the positive volition to pardon their sin, to lift their sentence, and to grant them salvation. The following passages clearly point to such a favorable disposition: Prov. 1:24; Isa. 1:18; Ezek. 18:23,32; 33:11; Matt. 5:43-45; 23:37; Mark 10:21; Luke 6:35: ROM 2:4; I Tim. 2:4. If such passages do not testify to a favorable disposition in God, it would seem that language has lost its meaning, and that God´s revelation is not dependable on this subject.

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March 13, 2011

Updated Theology Status Report

By Pooka

Note, this post is actually post-posted to fit an appropriate date in the past. It was originally written as an update to my “Where I’ve Been” testimony page, but I think should also fit into the timeline of my journaling at LAH. So you’re reading the future as it happened in the past.

The development in my life in regards to theology has taken a strong direction in the last three years and I think I need to address it here, at least to a limited extent. In the majority of my posts from 2010 through Spring of 2011, it’s fairly clear that my family and I have grown very close to Covenant Theology, which has drawn distinctive lines in our denominational relationships for the first time in our years as a Christian household. Up until now, we’ve been under the division/separation radar network. Of course, up until now, we’ve not been under the authority of a specific church, either. Life is different all of a sudden. We’re members of a local church with all of us baptized as believers. And we’re in a potentially controversial state, being of what at I at least consider to be a minority: a Reformed church.

I’ve not had to defend my position as a “particular sort of Christian” before, nor really explain what makes me commit to the particular church of which we are a part. So here I am, a newly made Presbyterian at a PCA church, fully committed to confessing the Westminster Standards. The story of my growth is, to me, very exciting and clear. I’m not sure if everyone can relate or agree with this, but I see the path from first believing to now as leading to a destination that is actually somewhere, doctrinally speaking. I’ve come to a position that looks at Scripture, church, practice and relationships that’s particular. A couple months ago, we could’ve gone to any number of churches and looked for Biblical preaching and teaching. Now, we’re looking at this church. It’s a particular church with particular standards.

It’s been made pretty clear to me that I’m a fairly unsettled type of person. I go with the bandwagon all too easily. Since Christ called me, that has become a painful but present label applied to me. First it was a “temporary phase” for me to be a Christian. Then my development underwent numerous philosophical and theological reforms, going from nominal Christianity to semi-fundamentalist to semi-reformed and now I’m “into” full-blown Reformed Covenant Theology. I must assure readers that my progress has not been some spontaneous fad-phase sort of thing. I think the systematic development of my theology is fairly obvious and it has led just to where it is right now, not by my particular interests, but by sequential encounters in churches and theological studies. I’ve been led by the nose through increasingly accurate theologies until I’ve got to this place. Do I think I’ve arrived? In so many words, Yes. And I cannot foresee changing my mind. This is the first time I’ve met what I think is a thorough course of study and trustworthy system of doctrine.

If that makes heartburn for some readers, I must publish my regrets, but I think 7 years of laboring through the mire of quirks, false-teaching, truth-seeking, prayer, disappointments and denominationalism, this really is my home. I, due to my own desire to be relevant, humble, man-pleasing and self-preserving (cardinal sins in my department, mostly), am almost afraid to say it but I’m pretty much, no really much, a Staunch Presbyterian. I believe in the oh-so-unmentionable practice of infant baptism and that there is no future provided in the Bible for the nation-state of Israel. I just can’t see it. I love the PCA, love learning about it and love learning about those denominations with whom the PCA has close fellowship. I have no love of infighting nor inter-denominational hostilities that exist throughout the visible church of Christ, but I believe that I was dragged to one side, which most probably happens to anyone who attempts to read more deeply than John 3:16.

The Reformed church has been so kind to me, so honest and filled with clear teaching. I love the Word, so lovingly and faithfully served, containing both Law and Gospel in measure that reminds me of where I was and where I am now. I greatly desire the forgiveness that is proclaimed by the faithful minister of God’s Word every Sunday right after we, individually and corporately confess our sins. I love the sacraments, the weekly nourishment that Christ provides in His Supper and finally a freedom from the seemingly empty memorial system in which I grew up. I love that I may look back upon my baptism with hope and joy that God has made me a part of His Church, His Bride and that all His promises are sealed to me and finally a freedom from the personalized statement of public self-centered commitment that was integral to my Baptist upbringing. I love the idea of Covenant Families who are brought through the waters of baptism into Christ’s Church and are all treated, from months-old babies to generations-old hoary-heads, all as the same Chosen People under Christ’s headship. Therein, in this church, is a people who are all together in the covenant, for good or bad, with one label: Christian. And though it hurts, I love very much that we can deal with apostasy and “backsliders” in the way Christ taught and Paul executed: Discipline of the Church. I love that my church claims the Keys and does not hide them under the mat so any thief may put on some wool and break in without notice. Christ is preached here; His life, suffering, obedience, death, resurrection and ascension in clarity and bringing conviction. That is what a church should do and I thank God that this is where my family worshipped today.

There may well be plenty of occasions and reasons to be members of other types of churches. But our choice to join this church certainly sets us to one side. Our dispensational friends and Baptist friends see Reformed types now, and I’ve had to respond to that change.

For more explanation, I’ve uploaded a paper I wrote regarding my position and I’ve started blogging my way through it in small bites. It’s free for the reading and critiquing. My words and research entirely:

CovenantTheologyPaperByDumbGuy

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February 16, 2011

Moratorium on Harshness

By Pooka

I see a bitter thread in me. A shadow that puts a dimness on my need to be gracious. I am to be a bringer of peace and brother-love to those with whom I am in Christ. My lifelong tendency toward sarcasm and snide remarks keeps trying to rear up again and again.

And I have seen this in others too, which serves strangely enough not to encourage my own rough handling of those with whom I have differences, rather to frighten me and humble me into remorse for my own instances.

The viciousness between Dispensational and Covenantal folks makes me hurt. I pray that this is the Lord softening my heart and that I’m experiencing a true sense of Christian charity and love for brothers in Him.

No joke, I was praying this morning — more like the Spirit was groaning with mine, since I couldn’t come up with much more than “Give me grace to be wise and faithful to Your Word.” My prayer is out of a sense of need as I deal with my convictions about Covenant Theology and the arguments that Dispensationalists present. I’m studying both from as fair a middle-ground as I can manage, not focusing too much (as I can manage) on any one aspect, be it church, eschatology. And today, more than usual, the general fisticuffs appear to be magnified.

Now, I’m all for being direct and calling a spade a spade. I’m willing to, God willing, stand up for correct theology and doctrine. I hope that I’m a willing teacher and able to reprove someone who sins in my presence should it be called for. But when the great heads in this day, top theologians from both CT and DT camps can conference in peace and brotherly love, but the meta below shows a beast in the back room… That’s what’s been brewing on the Intertubes for a few weeks now.

So I pray again for wisdom and charity. Especially for patience to see the end of a fight and be of few words save those that will build up my comrades in the faith and encourage others to do the same. I hope this blog succeeds in the same.

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February 11, 2011

She Delights Me

By Pooka

She delights me
To wake
Take breath
Light upon life

With her

Tho time tears down mountains
Brings paradise to dust
Bares all my infirmity
She surpasses
And I am delighted

With her

She begins
Moments
Thoughts
Touches

With me

Tho pride fells my honor
My faithfulness wanes
My love turns to abandon
She withstands
And I am delighted

With her

She brings
Peace here
Grace here
The rest

Of me
With her

________________________

There was no covenant when we joined.
God was not with us.
Then Christ came true
And changed everything.
Now when I fail
It’s not all done.
For He is delighted in me
And so I may delight in my beloved.

Now when she touches me, it’s a gift.
When she’s patient with me, it is God’s mercy.
Now when she speaks to me, it is grace.
When she forgives me, it’s perfect.

I’m so grateful, as only unworthy I am.
That she was given to me.
I would write this for her every day of my life.
But I’m too busy with me.
So I’ll repent every all the time.
And keep these for her when I don’t.

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February 7, 2011

Paper Screams Sampler Page

By Pooka

Up there next to the Paper Screams Tab: Poetry Now,

I miss the poetry again. This time, I’m going to go one better than random updates as new posts. There’s a new page on the nav at the top. Not only the intro to Paper Screams but now Poetry Now, a sort of window into stuff from the categories of PS and my current (if sporadic) interests.

I’ll take selections from the four seasons of Paper Screams and put them up. Maybe with discussion, maybe not. They’ll link back to the original post for comments and continuity’s sake.

We’ll see how this works for a while.

3 comments   |  tags: | posted in More About, poetry, special

January 4, 2011

Hungry

By Pooka

How amazing does learning get? In Christ, every bit of His Word opens up new vistas. Each time I comprehend, or even begin the approach to comprehend greater truth about God, His revealed Word, His church and everything else, the magnitude of His blessing increases. I mean there is more, richer, fuller blessing ’round every turn in this study. At the same time, it’s not any less or more than the blessing that was presented at the moment God had mercy on me, a sinner.

With Him, it always seems to be an already-not-yet series of effects. He laid on me all the promises of His Word on the day I came to Him. He’s faithful. Yet the depth and scope of God’s providence, which is His patience, love, forgiveness, discipline, peace, all that and more, increase as my eyes open further and the scales are lifted.

It’s like I’m a little duck in a pond. And the pond contains all that I see and comprehend. It’s all good, with the water comfortable and holding me up, the air preserving my life and so-on. And then, after a little while, I see another duck, and new parts of the pond. And the all good becomes all better. But I’m still a little duck without much perspective, and that bothers me. Of course. I’m just a duck, not too bright and growing more aware of it with each new experience.

Then I look up above me. There’s a flying duck. He’s off in the big blue sky. And suddenly the pond pulls back and I see even more.

That’s God’s Word. How it  works on us.

And it makes me hungry.

His protection is greater today than it was months ago. His love for me and my family is deeper and richer than it was years ago. His care for our helpless state is more thorough than ever. Not because He has suddenly decided to dispense extra, but because I’m learning. But isn’t that the same thing? I can rest more fully in Him because I realize Him more fully. So it really is greater blessing in installments, right?

Of course, as was very well put out to me last night, a painful expression of sin. I tend to look with scorn on the past environments and the inhabitants therein. I have become derogatory towards those “smaller” parts of the pond over there. And that says I am prideful. I need regular discipline. Deep work on my miserable self-righteousness. So that has to grow too.

The farther I realize my sin reaches into me, the more I hate it and the more I turn to my God to rend it from me. The more I see His faithfulness, grace and mercy, the more I hate my sin. It’s deepening the separation of old-me and new-me. I only wish it would go faster.

Which makes me hungry.

“Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied.”
– Luke 6:21

The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the LORD is sure,
making wise the simple;
the precepts of the LORD are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the LORD is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
the fear of the LORD is clean,
enduring forever;
the rules of the LORD are true,
and righteous altogether.
More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
Moreover, by them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
– Psalms 18:38-19:11

Oh how I love your law!
It is my meditation all the day.
– Psalms 119:97

…that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, to reach all the riches of full assurance of understanding and the knowledge of God’s mystery, which is Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.
– Colossians 2:2-3

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December 26, 2010

Did Jesus Stub His Toe? What Would That Mean For Us?

By Pooka

We heard about providence, free will and God’s sovereignty in Luke 21-22 today in Church. Talked about it again in Sunday School.

Douglass Adams’ character, Dirk Gently, features in a couple of books, “The Long Dark Teatime Of The Soul” and “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency.” He operates on the idea that everything is connected, which, along with his inherent laziness to commit to any real work results in hilarity and mind-boggling complications of events. Yet he has an uncanny ability to take advantage of any situation (at least, any that provides him an opportunity of which he can take any advantage). 

In “Me-centered” theology and lifestyle, we seek to know what events mean to us. Granted, there are some who deny providence outright (or only give providence lip-service) and then there are others who go out of their way to “Nuke” providence, seeking (and finding) God’s hand in every particle of their lives. Dirk Gently falls right in the middle of these two, not really discerning, but not over-analyzing at the same time. I think it’s a safe bet that this practice can relate to our pursuit of knowing God too. In a positive way, I mean. We should seek to be discerning about providence to find that which really means something, not doing harm in the process either to God’s Word or to the natural course of our lives.

I think that it’s easy to develop a laissez-faire sort of approach to God’s providence that allows us to pick and choose what His “Divine Intervention” is and when it occurs. Laziness in the realm of discernment lets us sit back and take advantage of stuff only when it leaves us something to work with.

As a witch, I sought to involve spirituality in every aspect of my life. Rituals for everything, invoking gods and spirits constantly, I was deeply steeped in a holistic, self-focused religion. Everything was to be studied for its impact on my life or for what I could do with it, which really got me spinning in circles of futility. Wasted my days in many cases.

As a new Christian, I turned away from all that mysticism and spirituality, going “cold turkey” into a practical philosophy that was rooted in the Word of God, but contained no participation on my part in spiritual thought. At least in contrast. It was a therapy that I think was God’s providential care in separating me from the mystical garbage that I’d accumulated. He took the me out of spirituality and I became the one acted upon rather than the one acting.

Most recently, I’ve learned this in the Reformed view of Word and sacrament, as well as the spiritual value of the Church and fellowship. I guess you could say I’ve found my path leading out of “club Christianity” into “covenant Christianity.” Big difference.

Over the last couple of years, the thoughts of providence and grace have sort of stirred up a bit of the mystery in Christianity and I’ve been reintroduced to the spiritual aspects of life in Christ. Though I knew of the ideas regarding mystery, the mystical and spirituality, they were always distant. Which didn’t leave room for Providence and Grace. Except this walk into Reformed theology has sort of forced it back in.

The question is about how far down into our routine lives does God reach? The argument that there’s free will is bunko, since, as the pastor said, we’ve been subjected to too many influences since birth to actually be able to make an entirely free choice. Volition is more the operative word here, being we get to make choices of will based on pre-existing conditions. But does that eliminate, or even affirm, God’s providence? Or is there a spirituality of the mundane that we can study?

I think it’s unproductive, in the end, to delve too deeply into God’s providence. I like the idea of hindsight because then we can know what past events mean and not worry about messing the whole scheme up. Humans are frail, corrupt things that, given any handle on opportunity, will bone it up really bad (I think Luther said something like that). Maybe we should take hands off, let God have His ways and we just stick with what He hands us.

My brother says we shouldn’t worry about our ducks. Having all the ducks in a row before acting is an invitation to never acting at all. I’d like to add that the occasions in which life presents ducks in a row for our convenience is probably about negligible unless we’re hunting fuzzy yellow things floating on a pond.

Now, discussion of the thing is good to a point. Arguing the level and compass of God’s providence in the world can be a mind-sharpening activity, especially if done amongst Christian minds. And there’s a lot to lend toward disrupting a pagan’s worldview in the discussion of the interconnectedness of all things.

Too much deliberation or focus on things can interrupt our normal lives with things like this: fear-fighting-counsel where giving ear to the worst-case-scenario is a product. I’ve dealt with petrifying fears during the course of my short life and dwelling on them has no good benefit. Similarly, I’ve read books that represent a view of the interconnectedness of all things which leads to a severe sense of hopelessness and paranoia. Recently I tried to warn a co-worker away from such pursuits. His reading list was very similar to the list in my past, “48 Laws of Power” and a few others (this being a purely humanistic tome that denies God and puts providence in the hands of men). Trying to see the bugs deep in the weeds will get us lost.

“I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him!  Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” — Luke 12:4-7

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. — Romans 8:26-30

I’ve heard Luke 12 used as a reasoning for bean-counting the curses and blessings of the Lord. Though it may appear noble, trying to find God’s benevolent hand in all steps of life is going to end up with similar results. A magnified feeling of let-down as we discover God isn’t as “helpful” as we thought, or worse, an over-inflated sense that God is there, sheltering our every action and experience with grace that makes us invincible.

Romans 8 is popular to explain away all worry in our lives. I think that’s awesome, but sometimes that passage, especially verse 28 is press-ganged into an attempt to make a case that God is making every event immediately payable to those Christians who experience it. Not necessarily so. It has to do with providence on God’s level, not on our finite, usually skewed perspective.

Bah, it’s a hard world, corrupt and dicey on any given day. We pray for God’s grace to see us through each one. It should suffice to make the most Biblical decisions about where our thoughts and actions proceed and then look back to see where God provided for our success or failure. Better that than live in a waiting mode that depends on an unseen Spirit to manifest Himself for our personal tour-guide. I think it’s providence enough that we know the fields in which we walk and play are filled with cow-pies and pot-holes and that we need to look out for them.

I mean, Jesus probably stubbed His toe at some point, right?

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