Dr. Steve Lawson preached at our church today. Our pastor warned us that it would be a blessing well in advance. We were not let down.

The audio of the sermon was put up on the website. That’s way better than the following little collection of my notes from the message. Regarding suffering:

The Number One Most Evil Day in the history of the world was the one in which Christ was cursed, spat upon, beaten, ridiculed, hung on a cross and murdered. Jesus suffered more than anyone else before or after. And through it all, God was in complete control of the whole proceedings. There was no point at which God lifted his hands from any of Christ’s final day, leaving it to any other person to carry out the sentence.

Likewise, in all our lives, just as in Jobs, God is in complete control; he is the Primary Causality for our situation. He uses everything in our lives to accomplish his ends. This includes suffering. Period. God doesn’t go “Ah, bummer, my child is miserable and in a terrible state, let’s see what we can do about this to make it all good.”  God goes more like this, “Now is the time when I lift my servant up to the head of the line to suffer for the purpose of glorifying me.”

God has planned out our lives completely.Psalm 139: 15-16 clears up any question about the events and sequences of our lives from beginning to end.

My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

So here are the 4 parts of Job 1:

Blessed By Buddy Jesus!

1. Character of Job: He was blameless, upright, God-fearing and he turned from evil. He was rich, influential, blessed with a family and was a spiritual leader in his home and community. In other words, Job had it all. He was blessed by God and was a blessing to others and he was obedient. He was “like no other on earth.”

2. Conference in Heaven: God pulled out the matchless Job in conversation, boasting of him, if you will. Satan immediately countered, claiming that Job was only faithful and good because of God’s blessings. God gave Job over to Satan to prove the claim.

3. So Satan immediately let out all the stops and in short order devastated Job’s life. He immediately lost his wealth, his assets and his children. Blam. Gone. All at once.

4. Job turned around at this and worshiped, submitted, adored, blessed and revered God. Period.

All that again, in other words:

1. Job was not a health-and-wealth kinda guy. He did not worship God because he was being blessed. He was conscientious (verse 5). He was literally blameless (verse 1).

2. God did not seek to protect Job from Satan’s accusations, building a hedge around his precious servant or prohibiting Satan from touching him. Instead, God pulled the restrictions from Satan and let him go at it to prove the point Satan claimed. Satan was the one who said Job was the h&w nut, that he was protected by God’s favor and special treatment.

3. God gave Satan authority to do all this. Enough said.

4. Job didn’t give up his faith right then and there. He gave up his rights completely instead. He tore his clothes, shaved his head and flung himself on his face before God proclaiming that God had the throne. He didn’t blame anybody, instead recognizing right off that God was dealing the cards.

Suffering comes from 4 things:

My wrong choices

Others’ wrong choices

Living in a fallen world

God’s decision to glorify himself through our suffering.

Dr. Lawson referred to this passage, which I’ve not read until today, to illustrate his point. Habakkuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places.

Here’s the part to take away. The difference between a robust maturing believer and a starving baby christian is the understanding that God is in control, in charge, the First Cause and the Final Word on EVERYTHING that goes on in our lives, up to and including our suffering. And everything, suffering included, is for his glory.

Romans 8:28-30

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

Thinking about contentment and peace in my heart.  Challies had a well crafted discussion of the topic today at his website.  The whole idea has more to it than choosing to be at peace with things or to choosing battles, selectively avoiding stuff that disrupts our contentment in Christ.

Experience tells me that the flow inward will directly affect my contentment and peace.  Just as what I put in my mouth affects what comes out, so does that same food affect my internal state.  What I put in my mind and heart affects the attitude and mental state of me as well as what comes out of my mouth.  Contentment produces contented actions and words.  Things that make contentment must be taken in order to get or maintain contentment.

But that’s all in the Bible too, well before my limited learning could apprehend this gem of an idea.

A quick run through the engine at www.BibleGateway.com gave me some examples of this in and out stuff:

Job 20.

Proverbs 10:14

The wise lay up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool brings ruin near.

Proverbs 10:31

The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but the perverse tongue will be cut off.

1 Corinthians 6:13 says:

“Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.

So what I really need is more Romans 12:1&2

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

I need to keep a steady flow of the Godly into me in order to combat the fear, the confusion, the disturbance, the misery, the hopelessness that surrounds me.

I’ve always stuck to the rule that good food doesn’t have to just be healthy.  There’s a real goodness to food that makes you feel good.  Even if it’s well below the level of good for you, and borderline bad for you, it can be good.  Take the Double Whopper With Cheese from BK.

This is way bad for you.  Greasebomb cholesterolpill 3-days-of-calorie-rations nastiness.  But when I get sick, tired and worn-out with a cold or other booger-hacking-slimy affliction, one of these and a gallon of orange juice serves to set me just right. I might not get healthier because of the non-nutrients this food is giving me, but it improves my mood and outlook significantly.  The DWWCfBK is better than a Tylenol and a nap.

How much more effective in our spirits is the Word and Prayer and Worship and Fellowship.  They are just the right nutrient-filled, tasty treat to banish our fretting and malcontent.  You can’t live off these things (well, except for the fellowship part, if you go to the right church), but I tell you, you can LIVE off these things.  In the last few weeks, I’ve started leaning back toward them, taking more and more in, slowly increasing the dosage and man, I can’t seem to understand why it is that I ever back off these good things!

And you can’t live without them.  A man without the water of life flowing through him is a dried up shell.  There’s no point to being a Christian if you’re not being one.  What a waste.

So turn off the gunk and put on the Gospel.  Put away the pulp and pick up the pulpit.  Dump the despair and decide on devotion.

Newsboys sing about it.  They’re not old fuddy-duddies from the turn of the century.

Jars of Clay sing about it too.  Ditto.

Oh, wait.  That is an old song.  But wait!  It’s cool, cause J.O.C. sings it!

Nobody can say our Christian culture is behind the times and there’s no relevant way to compete with the garbage that’s out there.  Say you need something better than

Blah.  Enough pandering to the masses.  The Bible, with all its GLORIOUS conservative, single-minded, absolute, timeless, beautiful, convicting, unfaltering, unforgiving, forgiving, loving, exclusive, intolerant, sacred, one-of-a-kind message is more than enough, tons more than enough for the sickness inside.  It’s gonna teach you contentment that no burger, no beer, no hit, no therapy, no home-run, no sabbatical will get you God.

The Bible with the escorts and vanguard of the great writers and singers and bands and artists that believe the BIBLE is true and right and that the ONLY way to the Father is through the Son, is all we need.  Fooey on the rest.

So I’m content.

So today I think I’m going to talk about issues of the heart.  All of them, maybe.  One at a time.  Easy enough?  Here goes (I’ll start off complex and work my way progressively to more simple stuff):

A boss today essentially told me I needed to straighten up my act.  There’s a guy who works for me that has serious problems with authority.  He is a classic case of aggressive-passive (intentional wording).  Given a task, he will comply to the very minimum requirements of the task and grumble, back-bite, whine, blame and whatever-else-can-issue-from-the-mouth to the very maximum tolerance of his surroundings without actually crossing the line into blatant defiance.  And he cares not a whit for who hears him or observes it.  But this whole thing isn’t about him.  It’s about me.  The boss said I shouldn’t take that from him.  He said I really need to ratchet down on my little problem-child and basically tell him to put up or shut up.

The boss is right.  And I agreed with him.  As explanation (as opposed to excuse), I said I’d never really run into this type of character at work before and I wasn’t sure what buttons I could push to start getting through to him.  I’ve been in a lot (I think, A Lot) of odd situations with odd circumstances and a broad variety of characters, but honestly I don’t think I’ve ever been saddled with this type of total butt-pain.  So I’ve never really had to use the #9 boot calibration method, which is required in this situation.

The boss said “You wouldn’t let this kind of garbage go on at home with your kids, right?”  To which I obviously had to say, “Of course not.”  And that, of course, gave me pause and I really had to think.  Would I?

It’s two different situations.  I’ve spent my life with my kids and 13 years with my Wife.  I think I know how to diffuse, control, stop, bypass and deal with this sort of mess at home.  And I enjoy an authority and influence at home that I certainly do not possess at work.  So he’s right.  I wouldn’t let that go on in my own home.

At work, I’m in a different situation (keep with me here, it’ll make sense).  I’m experientially subordinate to the people who work for me.  They’ve been in the specific field we work in for a dedicated 3 years wherein I’ve been at it for less that 6 months.  They’re well acquainted with each other and the majority of the other workers in the environment.  I am not.  They have become set in their routine, methods and practice.  I am not part of that.  All of this combines to make a battlefield in which I am at serious disadvantage.  I don’t really know the lay of the land.  The enemy is thoroughly entrenched and they know the ranges, weather, terrain and maneuvers to get what they want done.

Bullshit.  If a guy consistently cusses you out behind your back and essentially tells you where you can stuff it, even if he ultimately complies with orders, he is an insubordinate failure.  And you have allowed him to fail.  Point one to God’s law.  As leader, I am responsible.

If someone persistently offends, practicing unacceptable practices, hurts others, leads the progression of others’ growing skills in the same negative behavior, then that person is a failure.  And you have allowed him to fail.  Point one to God’s law.  As leader, I am responsible.

It’s a matter of the heart.  I’ve a better grasp and performance rating in this leadership process at home.  While nowhere perfect at it, I strive as patiently and enduringly as I can to battle uprisings of bad attitudes, hurtful actions, fighting, backbiting and general monstrocity daily.  And I am as relentless as I can be.

I have not taken that integrity, ethic, standard to work with me.  Because I am afraid.  Because I’m dealing with people with whom I’m not intimate and with whom I’m not familiar.  So I err on the side of weakness, avoiding conflict with the problems because I want to be liked.  Because I want work to be good.  O do I want the work to be good.  But instead I hate my job.  I spend no little amount of time hating myself because of what I do (rather, don’t do) at work.

I have not kept my faith in my God in focus.  I faith myself to death at home.  Praying doggedly for my family in general and in specifics.  I push my kids’ buttons with as much strength as I can to get them as sin-free as I can, knowing each time that success is of God and not of me.

But I don’t do that at work.  I change faces at work.  And the face I have is not particularly admirable.

Simple bit:  It’s of the heart.  I’m not sick.  It is not the fault of the jerk at work.  It is not the environment at work.  It’s not the lack of fulfillment at work.  It’s not stress at home making my work wrong.  It’s me.  Me resisting the pulls of the Spirit to pursue God’s ways at work.  I have let the World work a weak spot of corrosion in my character.

It’s of the heart when you’re dealing with a liar.  It’s of the heart when you have a deep depression.  It’s of the heart when you’re battling someone who just. won’t. listen.  It’s of the heart when you can’t seem to give up this or that.

Yes, physical conditions, the environment, other people, the weather, body-odor can all contribute to aggravate a problem.  But the real root is just that, the heart.

We’ve been studying in Romans at church.  We read in Chapter 1 how things suck so bad that if we really grasped the depth of the problem, we’d probably all just curl up into little balls and wait for the meteor to obliterate us.

Romans 1:28,

“And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness, full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.”

Simple.  31 flavors.  One for everyone.  Pick.  I have most of them in my toolbox.

Simplest:  Just in case anybody didn’t see their personal colors in 1:28, here’s the catch-all:

Romans 3:10 (and Psalm 14:1-3)

“As it is written:  ‘There is none righteous, no, not one;’”

We’re messed up.  It’s in the heart.  Can’t blame it on the rain.

Now how does it apply to the current theme here on my little blog?  Healing?  Look.  I am aware of the physical problems.  I know about medications now, and clinical diagnoses and everything.  I may not know everything, but I know way more than I really want to know now.  I’ve done research and see the light.  There’s no denying a physiological and environmental part, huge part, in all this trial.  But in the end, should all those things be cured…

It’s still in the heart.

And that’s what I’m praying for most of all.  That He’ll put us all in the way of fixing her heart.  He’ll do it, I’m sure.  I just want the joy of being a part of that miracle.  And I want it more than I want to fix the thing at work.

But, I think, as I’ve said and have been told a million times before:  If you can’t be trusted in the little things, how can you make it in the big time?

Parable of the Talents, Matthew 25:14-30.  Look it up.  I did.

I’ve had so many struggles with how all this works.  How can we lose all motivation to go, to do?  How can there be no ability to even be pragmatic, to Do things just because they need doing?  I still don’t completely grasp this idea, probably because I haven’t experienced it in my life.  But I know that monster exists, the evil Gave-up Monster that takes away desire and motivation.  The monster that encourages its own existence by stifling and seeking out all possible help to maintain its position.  I see it attacking all the time.

I know there are tactics to fight.  Unfortunately, one of those isn’t a good one, though it has good intentions.  Throwing Scripture around as a mantra, repeating and repeating, has been advertised to us as a means to battle this sickness.  Romans 8:28 is a classic, repeated as if a spell to be cast that will resolve all trials.

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

Yep, the verse is sound truth.  It has been proven over and over that God has lived up to this statement.  But it isn’t a cure-all.  It doesn’t work, just repeating it.

The answer is not simple repetition, in my experience.  I would rather live by the rules in Romans 12, which lead me to Philippians 2.

Romans 12:1-2 (ESV)

“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Philippians 2:12-18 (ESV)

“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. Likewise you also should be glad and rejoice with me.”

Thanks to a really good conversation with my brother today, I got this sort of solidified in my mind.  I’ve thought about it all and tried to practice it, but sometimes putting it to the test of discussion, putting it in my own words really makes it tangible.

So today is application for me, not just in pursuit of the cure.  I must take my steps in the Word, and when I can’t grasp a concept or give up a sin or commit to a Godly quality, I must take God’s word, wrangle over it, daily if necessary, to break through the barrier that prevents me from approaching Him.

Baby steps, as the pastor told my beloved last week, are what it takes.  Same for me.  Maybe I don’t suffer from the DeMotivation Give-Up Monster’s presence, but my faults demand the same therapy.  I have to work moment-by-moment to resolve my salvation.  Progressive sanctification isn’t anything more than a walk.  It’s not just any walk, though, but consists of a crippled, broken man who is self-centered, miserable and lacking in faith, who stumbles and gets lost along the way.

An aside, but still pertinent:  So many people live in fear.  I think it’s horrible.  This is the fear I’d like to live with, and ideally the only one that is valid.  If I don’t get something the Bible has said, if I don’t understand my own position before the Lord on a given issue, that is when I should have fear.  Working out my salvation with fear and trembling means just this:  When I’m in a position to be wrong, I should be afraid, afraid enough to want to chase that resolution to ground.  If I’m set up to do wrong, I need to remember that I am at risk of being opposed to my God.  That alone should be cause for fear and trembling.  Nothing the world has to offer should be able to cause fear that comes close to this.

Just as with my driving, as I have to constantly check the map in order to keep my car going in the right direction (I could use a GPS), I need to check, persistently, the directions from the Bible, for nothing else will get me to the next hill or mountain top.  Nothing else can get me through these valleys and ravines.

Jars of Clay

The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
on a back bruised, nearly broken
I’m crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy

when death, like a gypsy
comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
but I fear You aren’t listening
because there are no words
just the stillness
and the hunger
for a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy

alleluia, alleluia
alleluia, alleluia

while we wait for rescue
with our eyes tightly shut
face to the ground using our hands
to cover the fatal cut
though the pain is an ocean
tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy
I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy
alleluia, alleluia
alleluia, alleluia

I have to admit, my ignorance has been in error these past months.  I’ve glossed over and failed to grasp the gravity of all this.  I’ve been on cruise mode, content to let things lie.  And they sure have lied.  Let me think all was going okay, that we were pretty good.  Er.  Maybe not.

In my research today, I learned a few things.  One most prominent is that we do not come out in the open about our problems, and this one is horribly true about what’s going on now.  It’s not just a defeated attitude that says “I am beyond help” but a fear of causing more harm or hurting more people in our path.  And that is just what can’t happen.  Nobody knows means nobody cares, which proves quite simply the delusion, the lie that exists.

I found out about some ways to track changes and find out what sets things off.  I found out that it’s not just the dark sided moments that are horrible, but that those incredibly “up” times where you’re bouncing and flying were just as bad, maybe worse.  I saw, from hindsight, a whole slew of times that show that you’ve been dealing with this for so long.  And it hurts to know it now.

I’m still not sure what I am able to do.  I’m able to learn more, maybe observe more.  Maybe that’s a start.  I want to help more.

What is scary is that the more I read or hear about this, more doors are opened, revealing more things to be concerned with.  Ignorance is bliss, even though it’s also usually dereliction of duty at the same time.  So I guess I have to keep trying.  I kind of have to; the authorities say this could last for the rest of our lives.

And I have to keep in mind that every time you strike or fly or cry or flip, it’s not automatically you.  These things happen, they have to be dealt with, but I can’t take them personally.  Everything I’ve seen fails to disprove that you love me, that you’ve been chosen for me.

I have to dodge the bullets and continue loving you.  So I pray for that, the strength to keep moving, courage to keep learning and following through, the love to be visible through it all, whether you can see it or not, depending on the moment.

Because one day you’ll know it for sure.  You’ll look back and see it and I sure don’t want you to raise your eyebrow at me and ask me “what the heck were you thinking?”  I don’t want to mess it up.

I Corinthians 4:16-18

“Therefore we do not lose heart.  Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

Pastor Rob said he’s been there. Said it’s like you’re at the bottom of a very deep well. And it’s dark. But there’s a light all the way up at the top. And we’re up there. Looking down. Holding a rope. And God is up there too. And with you. And He’s holding the rope.

All we’re waiting for is for you to grab the rope. Let us, let Him, pull you up.

You have to choose to hold the rope.

Matthew 11:25-30
At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

This is the day our church pastors prayed for my Beloved. I prayed too. So we can begin the count of moments until our Lord brings her back to us.

Grab the rope, Beloved.

With all that is going on, peace is what I need in me right now. Fear is the mind-killer. Wisdom is His, not mine. I have to give Him praise for even these unseen things. Maybe my little world is changing. Maybe it isn’t. I don’t think I’m even wise enough to know that much.

So I pray for Your guidance, o Lord. I ask for Your peace, Your grace. Let my love be. Let it be just like yours. Let me show it and it be without reproach. I’m a cracked vessel, but You told me You will use me anyway. That’s more honor than I deserve, more grace than I know how to ask for. More than I can grasp with this tiny mind.

Make me the husband and father I need to be.

Psalm 23

The LORD Is My Shepherd
A Psalm of David.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Detained

Let loose this graveyard in my mind
Or, forbid, let it become and I recede

Let these tears flow in rivers
Or vanish into the desert forever

Let the prints of my fingers weld to the rails
Or pry them and lift me into the wind

Whisper me the secret of your stifling shadows
Or mute my ears until I hear not even my own breath

Cleanse me from my depths
Or fling me into them with no tender

For this is emptiness
Or pregnant mystery

As I wait
For this child
This fade
This curtain closed

Or pulled back
Take my silent prayer
Or I roar in terror

Just my quick thought for the day.

Fellowship

We’re supposed to be accountable.  To God, to each other.

Transparency promotes accountability.

Honesty is integral to transparency.

Communication is required for honesty.

If nobody knows me, my take, my situation, none of these conditions or states exists.

So if I keep my mouth shut, there is no Fellowship in my life.

Then nobody knows me.

God does, but God doesn’t seems to like one-way streets.

How do I know Him if I don’t have accountransparonestability right here in me?  He’s got a thing for Christians being together, working together.  God doesn’t call us to be the soloist all the time.  Rarely, if ever, are we required to be truly alone.  I’ve never been alone.  Not really (though my little voice-from-the-back-of-the-room seems to have the perverse idea that I am, but I’m constantly striving to ignore it).

So I talk.  Sometimes they (They, haha) say too I say too much.  So I say what is here in my mind.  I try to communicate my failure.  I try to communicate my success.  Things I think I’m doing right and doing wrong.

Of the things in my heart and mind, I rarely offer but a small sample.  I realize that to battle the tendency to insulate and hide, I must persist in my attempts to be transparent.  I must persist in making sure my loved ones, my brothers know me.  One small step at a time, revealing my shadows pixel by pixel, is called progress.

I can’t be helped, I can’t be encouraged, I can’t be corrected unless I open my door and let people see my living room.  And my bedroom, and my bathroom, and my closet, and my storage shed.

And, finally, my secret sanctum, that trap door just large enough to admit me, just a Robert-shaped keyhole that nobody else fits.  But that place is not truly a sanctum.  It is that place of torture wherein I relive my failures, store my potential in mothballs and rust; a dust-layered bomb-shelter outfitted with little more than a pallet, chains and reams of moldering papers and half-faded pictures.

And honesty starts by realizing that I have all this.  Transparency starts by widening the aperture that grants access.  Accountability starts by pushing some of that secret archive out into the sunlight.

Weakness pales in the light of the Son.  Shadows fade in the light of the Son.  Words fail in the light of the Son.

I need, I fear, I believe, I fall-have fallen, I trust, I run, I collapse, I lose, I plead, I barely breathe.

Yet I live, for He lives.

Stained glass hides the real insides.

I know you’re roughing it. Things are pretty bleak sometimes. I think of you constantly. I pray for you every time I think of you. Keep your chin up, Pretty Girl. You’re always gonna be my beloved.

The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)
Jars of Clay

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised and nearly broken
I’m crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren’t listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For the faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Yeah