Kindle a new fire

on the first day

lit from the cold ashes

of my sordid past.

Tear all that lingers

seared on my flesh.

Bring me away, bleached

bones, from long sands’ reach.

Remove this despair.

Unleash my fear.

Wed faith to my cries.

I have left thy side.

Bring me to ashes,

bent neath the dust

in a blackened robe

rough, bitter and cold.

These wandering eyes

my beating heart,

call them to new death.

End this endless breath.

Blind me with your hand.

Diminish me

into the shadow

behind the cold stone,

pierced and famished,

alone in ashes,

till you recall me

parched for want of thee.

This comes from the sermon today on Jonah 3:5-9 and Psalm 51.  Repentance.

Can’t seem to wrap my mind

round those final feet

in this my inevitable

with all my desire

I cannot bring me to care

they have not beat me

though one could not tell

from the weariness in here

I have in my eye

this thing I cannot see

this weakness, tiredness

that is relentless

untiring

and I stumble

I mumble

Forget the dreams

forget these memories

I’ve banged my head

against this wall

strained for this

for all these thousand breaths

and it will not shift

perhaps I will not shift

I talk to myself

aloud, to my followers

of weakness, tiredness

my mind relentless

untiring

still, I stumble

I mumble

Fix me

lift my countenance

to meet yours

drift this transom

to face the setting sun

abandon this strait

to meander free

unfetter me,

lift anchor

all bills are not paid

set me loose

Still talking

out loud

took seven days

to finish just one

too long, too long

these words, these breaths

shift my colors

I’m tired, tired.

__________________________________________________________________

Ever have one of those days when

your glasses are crooked on your face and no amount of adjusting will work?

When you’re convinced that your face is just too oily and wash it a hundred times to see if that will fix it?

When your nose itches and won’t stop, regardless the socially unacceptable actions you take to resolve the issue?

When you stare at the same thing you’ve done for 10 months straight, every single day, and can’t make sense of it?

When you walk home at precisely at half the speed you would normally, making 10 minutes into 20, talking to yourself the entire way?

Have you ever recited, to yourself, the litany, “whatever, dude,” over and over maybe a hundred times in the span of twelve hours?

When is the last time you reviewed your condition, your moment as-it-is-right-now and said “This is not me, not right, not welcome?”

This, in ever increasing frequency, is the sort of day that haunts me.

I am truly tired.  I was tired before, but this is tired beyond that.

I don’t want to be tired.

And too afraid to make sense of this

That would probably come out as nonsense.

To say how much I miss

That sense of you

Where I could feel through walls,

See your thoughts through your eyes.

You see I lost parts of me.

And I can’t bring them back.

But I can’t explain to you how much it means to me,

For maybe you don’t see the loss so hard

And how much I die

When I recall what I cannot.

I trundle about

On my peg-leg of reality,

Shuffling my fingers across the shuttle,

Weaving the means to scratch by.

And it seems sometimes

That this is all I have,

All else scattered to four winds.

No passion.

None of what I was.

Just gray morass of breathing.

Of peering from apprehensive eyes.

Fine on the skin, real and tangible,

But empty as a dried pomegranate,

And hard.

And if that is real life?

I want to be fake.

Don’t leave me

Let me hear you

Let me know

Come to see me

Or bring me in

Somehow

As much as knowing

Please, too,

Sharing

Touch

Glance

Lingering real

Gaze

Something living

Come back

After years long gone

Back from that

Devastating sunset

So far away

I’m not there

I wish I was

I didn’t mean for it to get so cold

Must be the air-conditioning in my soul

I turned it down too low

And now the thermostat’s broken, so

Can you hear me now

I turned off the water

Reason me back into reasoning

Help this dust settle

That my vision might clear

The dreams seem to have returned

Maybe for a little while

My heartbeat might revive

Some sort of fog rolled over

Might have lifted for a while

Breathe my breath back into me

Help this smoke disperse

That my vision might clear

I’m lifting my feet

But there’s mud stuck on them

Maybe it might wear off

Hold my hand

I can’t feel anything

Your run through the darkness

Fearing the deepest shadows

Lashing out at all that breathes

Trusting no eyes that meet your own

Do not force the sunlight

It gives the shadows strength

It lifts fallen faces to sight

It confirms your doubt

Son of the day

No longer abide

In the dominion of darkness

Hurt brings the fallen

Closer to the depths

Fear lets slip fingers of reason

Flee the whispers of your tongue

Seek out the holy star

Forget the terror and despair

You cannot leave them behind

Forget they are there

Son of the light

No longer abide

In the dominion of night

Slashes and scourging have brought no light

Pain lances no wounds

Pride and vanity are all encompassed

Until you relinquish death

a drop of sadness

falls to the cold floor

dust is grey and dull

in the dim light of the room

it is bare except for a picture

and me

a wind blows a cloud

across a broad sky

grass grows long and green

in the sun’s bright, blinding glow

the world is stark except for a picture

and me

another is here

in the world with me

she’s only a dream

and the picture is her image

all is dark except for the picture

and me

Here I am in a nightmare

Wishing I could find where

To go for to find a key

So I may wake me up beside thee

But now red ravens reel

In a pallid moon’s piercing pane

To the slow song sung by slaves

Of mine heart’s hopeless hoping

Come to shake my shoulder

And cause my fires to smoulder

As did they once so long ago

So long– scarcely do I remember so.

All I see, spinning so stately

Are the red ravens’ roamings

Before dawn’s drumming dais

That never nears my pallid face

While I sleep in the silent, silver space.

The wind blows

The air is cold

The sky is dark

And I feel old

The fireside calls me

To a blanket and wine

To remember my fair love

And be warm for a time

when

The sun was shining

The skies were blue

The clouds were cotton

‘Twas a day for no shoes

the green grass beckoned me

with flowers’ gemshades

to run with my love

to tall sapphire gates

the night was wistful

with waters’ ancient song

and stars’ playful mirth

chasing away all that was wrong

the mother moon whispered

“Touch your true love

with lips of pure music.”

She blew blessings from above

I wish I were

On the moonlit hills

For then I would be

With my true love still

And there would I sing

To her as we made love

As each night before I was

Torn from her gentle love.

I hear a sad note

On an old piano

It plays upon my soul

As the musician the keys

My heart is hollow

As the empty room here

And echoes the music

As if a mystic cavern

The resonance weaves around me

Entrancing me, binding me

I am dumb, blind, deaf

Deaf and blind to all but the notes

The notes that slowly kill me

There are no tears

My heart is not here

It is with another, far away

Amazing how I can still

Feel the baleful pain

Even in my heart’s absence

I plead with my fingers

To abandon the ivory

But they will not

They feed my mind the ache

That is enticing and revolting

I can feel my heart beating

From a million miles away

I can see your face

From a lifetime’s narrow bridges

About to disintegrate.