“…we agreed that it was like being born again, again.” 

I found a good bit to think about today as I read a post on Tim Challies’ blog, which is a daily staple for me. He almost always puts up something of relevant value for my day. This was no exception. The really good part was actually a comment by one of the readers. 

My little post here is going to be long-ish and probably not entirely coherent.  I want to try to capture what’s going through my head clearly but not lose it from distraction by other things.  So it’ll ramble, maybe not make sense entirely.  Bear with me.

From a background of mushy theology and easy-way Christian living, my recent salvation did not impart much real change in my understanding of theology. The Gospel took on new meaning. My relationship with the Lord was definitely established along with a great desire to know him “for real.”

But I had no foundation in serious theology (meat). I had a pretty soupy milk diet of what I remembered from my childhood lessons in the Word. I had Warren and Lucado, mixed up military chapels, charismatic tongue-flapping, “Left Behind” and Christian Psychology stuff which all gave me just that… Stuff. Not much to work with.

So, back to the commenter’s words:  “I remember discussing my discovery of solid doctrine, specifically reformed theology with a friend of mine from West Minster Seminary, and we agreed that it was like being born again, again.” This is what hit me most. 

There was a point, and I can’t really put a finger on it directly, where my leanings toward deeper, more solid theology became more of a downhill run. I wanted it, sought it, and then it started flowing in. This was mostly from study prompted by books I picked up. Good stuff, like Jim Berg’s “Changed Into His Image,” Calvin’s “Institutes”, MacArthur’s commentary, Challies “Discipline of Spiritual Discernment” and many others, which illuminated my Bible with questions and thoughts there was no way I could have come up with myself. 

I was initially spoon fed this stuff bit by bit, starting with my little brother, Ben, who was much more developed in his grasp of the fundamentals of the faith and the Word. He pretty much ensured I had a grounding in basic ways to look at God’s message and how I could take off with it.

A friend, Perry, who sort of just appeared from nowhere (not entirely), sent me a box of books that were particularly complex and hard to get through. I tried to wade my way through Iustitia Dei and the Cost of Discipleship. I don’t remember much about those or some of the theology books I picked up other than a general sense of what was good and not good (helps to have a Bible open when you’re reading stuff that is about the Bible). But what all my reading produced, during the first couple of years following the Lord’s call, was a desire for better and more stable understanding grew.

I can’t honestly say that my Christian “walk” improved as a result of all the study and ah-hah moments because it was intellectual stuff. I don’t think much had made it to my heart. 

This past year, however, I believe I can really relate to “being born again, again.” The solid meat that we’ve found at our church, the sudden (well-timed) switch from a congregation that was going south rapidly (and is now well south of right, only months after we left), a few moments at a Presbyterian church (not the liberal type), some good counseling sessions with a couple of pastors and some timely Bible studies, I’ve found a renewal of my faith and relationship with the Lord. 

That renewal is based on one thing first off:  Taking the Word of God as the Word of God. That means viewing the Bible as commandment and principle, not just as cotton-candy assent-worthy snacks. Our pastor preaches as such, our Bible studies follow suit and I find myself affected by that.  The Bible has become a clear description of God, his works and his commands that direct my perception of the way I live. It’s not just a self-help book or a series of enlightening truths anymore.

What do I mean by affected? I am increasingly convicted of the sovereignty of God and that nothing I do is outside of his specific direction. In other words, I didn’t choose to take this fresh stance and perspective on my own. Instead, I’m affected by the work of the Holy Spirit in all this new environment. Our counseling, our church, these things are God’s method of impacting me and changing me. 

The Word has a depth and value that far outweighs that first step into the waters of personal Bible study almost 6 years ago. I am convinced that what is referred to as a high view of God and his revelation is absolutely critical for the transformation into a lifestyle committed to righteousness. I didn’t have that. Now I see what it is and it’s working its way in.

Romans 11:33 “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!”

Get this part though; I’m not bragging about some awesome turnaround in my holiness factor or some such. The battle there has, if anything become tougher and pitted with increased skirmishes with personal spiritual hygiene and my relationships with others. I think it’s harder, now that I am being more and more revealed for what I am, to consider myself improving in righteousness.

Psalm 1:2 “but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.”

What I am bragging about is the wonder and joy of God’s revelation and how it is so amazingly clear how he maneuvers and sets up the situations all around to grow and teach me. That God has not crushed me in my resistance to change. That he has, instead, tweaked bits and pieces here and there to show me what I am and what he wants. And not just show but implant that below the belt in a way that both lifts up my head in hope and bows my knee in submission to his will.

The battlefield has, in the scarred remains, some pristine towers still standing. I really desire unity in my family, involving a real sense of devotion to our Lord and to each other. I really want to be involved in my church, more than just an attendee. I really hope to be a good witness at work. And these not for spiritual or worldly “attaboys” but because it really is my reasonable service.

Romans 12:1-2  “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

A number of recent conversations have asked me to check my view of God, his word and the work he’s doing in my life.  Church has been challenging me on this the whole time we’ve been attending.  Work, in the last two weeks, has enjoyed a sort of opening of hearts and I’ve been a part of several sincere and serious talks about how to view God and the Gospel.  Online forums that I frequent have worked at me as well.

Some things I’ve found to savor and contemplate:

God is completely sovereign.  On the way home from work today, David Jeremiah, from Shadow Mountain Church here in Cali was talking about heaven.  He noted that John’s Revelation included a peek through the door to heaven.  Mr. Jeremiah said that John had been given a glimpse into the Control Room of the Universe and what he saw was God on the throne.  God is on the throne, never took a vacation, is in control.  Of everything.  Not just some stuff and letting the trivia spin its own course, but every little detail of our lives:

Luke 12:22-31 — And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

I’m completely dependent on him.  I can’t argue with him.  I am his.  I am holy because he made me holy and I’m filling out to fit that suit by his work in my life through the Holy Spirit.  I’m not perfect yet, but that is because God is glorified in his work on me right now as well as the glory he gets for saving me in the first place and perfecting me in the end.

Romans 7:14-25 — For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

And I find that I really must be working on my Bible study and striving to follow the instructions contained in God’s Word.  There’s no room for quibble or putting off.  If it says to do something (or to not do something), I have to comply.  If I don’t understand what’s going on, there’s an instruction for that:  Study harder, pray harder, forsake not the fellowship in the process.  God helps through my reading, my prayer, my fellowship with his people.

2 Timothy 3:16-17 — All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.

Acts 17:11 — Now these Jews were more noble than those in Thessalonica; they received the word with all eagerness, examining the Scriptures daily to see if these things were so.

All this is pretty simple, and the scriptures take up more space than my own writing, but I’m also learning that usually my own words can’t really compete with what the Bible says on its own.  It suffices to say I’m really working at this, reading the Calvin’s Institutes, Martin Lloyd-Jones’ Great Doctrines; doing reading from the start of the OT (working in Exodus now), Luke, Acts; Attending, when I can, the Fundamentals of the Faith (MacArthur course) at church as well as the church’s men’s group on the Great Doctrines.

I’m trying to apply all this in the family, especially in relationship to A, who deserves a much more righteous husband than she has right now.  She needs a more loving, godly husband.  The desire is to glorify God through it all.  And recent months have been slowly revealing this in unmistakable crescendo.  Specially in the last couple of weeks.

Thinking about contentment and peace in my heart.  Challies had a well crafted discussion of the topic today at his website.  The whole idea has more to it than choosing to be at peace with things or to choosing battles, selectively avoiding stuff that disrupts our contentment in Christ.

Experience tells me that the flow inward will directly affect my contentment and peace.  Just as what I put in my mouth affects what comes out, so does that same food affect my internal state.  What I put in my mind and heart affects the attitude and mental state of me as well as what comes out of my mouth.  Contentment produces contented actions and words.  Things that make contentment must be taken in order to get or maintain contentment.

But that’s all in the Bible too, well before my limited learning could apprehend this gem of an idea.

A quick run through the engine at www.BibleGateway.com gave me some examples of this in and out stuff:

Job 20.

Proverbs 10:14

The wise lay up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool brings ruin near.

Proverbs 10:31

The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but the perverse tongue will be cut off.

1 Corinthians 6:13 says:

“Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.

So what I really need is more Romans 12:1&2

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

I need to keep a steady flow of the Godly into me in order to combat the fear, the confusion, the disturbance, the misery, the hopelessness that surrounds me.

I’ve always stuck to the rule that good food doesn’t have to just be healthy.  There’s a real goodness to food that makes you feel good.  Even if it’s well below the level of good for you, and borderline bad for you, it can be good.  Take the Double Whopper With Cheese from BK.

This is way bad for you.  Greasebomb cholesterolpill 3-days-of-calorie-rations nastiness.  But when I get sick, tired and worn-out with a cold or other booger-hacking-slimy affliction, one of these and a gallon of orange juice serves to set me just right. I might not get healthier because of the non-nutrients this food is giving me, but it improves my mood and outlook significantly.  The DWWCfBK is better than a Tylenol and a nap.

How much more effective in our spirits is the Word and Prayer and Worship and Fellowship.  They are just the right nutrient-filled, tasty treat to banish our fretting and malcontent.  You can’t live off these things (well, except for the fellowship part, if you go to the right church), but I tell you, you can LIVE off these things.  In the last few weeks, I’ve started leaning back toward them, taking more and more in, slowly increasing the dosage and man, I can’t seem to understand why it is that I ever back off these good things!

And you can’t live without them.  A man without the water of life flowing through him is a dried up shell.  There’s no point to being a Christian if you’re not being one.  What a waste.

So turn off the gunk and put on the Gospel.  Put away the pulp and pick up the pulpit.  Dump the despair and decide on devotion.

Newsboys sing about it.  They’re not old fuddy-duddies from the turn of the century.

Jars of Clay sing about it too.  Ditto.

Oh, wait.  That is an old song.  But wait!  It’s cool, cause J.O.C. sings it!

Nobody can say our Christian culture is behind the times and there’s no relevant way to compete with the garbage that’s out there.  Say you need something better than

Blah.  Enough pandering to the masses.  The Bible, with all its GLORIOUS conservative, single-minded, absolute, timeless, beautiful, convicting, unfaltering, unforgiving, forgiving, loving, exclusive, intolerant, sacred, one-of-a-kind message is more than enough, tons more than enough for the sickness inside.  It’s gonna teach you contentment that no burger, no beer, no hit, no therapy, no home-run, no sabbatical will get you God.

The Bible with the escorts and vanguard of the great writers and singers and bands and artists that believe the BIBLE is true and right and that the ONLY way to the Father is through the Son, is all we need.  Fooey on the rest.

So I’m content.

More of the Chuck Colson I heard this week on the Focus On The Family radio broadcast.  Marines during the Vietnam war spent countless hours training every day to be able to fight and survive Over There.

Why don’t Christians, who have so much more to lose, to gain, even come close to that sort of preparation for combat?  I thought the same way when I was a Newbie to the faith.   I’ve distressingly slacked off on my PT and combat conditioning as a Christian since.  I absolutely must (and want) to get that back.

Also, an alarming thing that has been around a while, but is sparked by not just the Colson this week, but with Anika’s history course in college (her term paper) and a bunch of other stuff, including a sudden, rather interesting resurfacing at work of my writing from last year.

Truth.  We still have a massive problem with truth.  Apparently, over 50% of christians cannot grasp or commit to the concept of True Truth, of absolute truth.

Let me make this clear, any denial of absolute truth, the existence of such or the questioning of such in regards to the Bible, is a denial of the Gospel.  Introduce one speck of doubt that the Word of God is true and what follows is denial of the Gospel.  One can claim not to understand certain parts all day long.  One can be in sin, sad and in confusion about Biblical principles or whatever.

But if a christian claims to believe the Gospel, on the name of Jesus Christ (John 3:16), and says there are parts of the Bible that may not be true, or that they just can’t believe in absolute truth, that person is seriously WRONG.  Here is where rubber meets the road.

Allowing the Bible to have non-absolute truth is what has brought the Episcopal church in America to the swine-pens.  It is what has made good churches flop to eating peelings and offal with the animals.  It is what has led to the tarnishing of the name of God in the eyes of the world.

Lemme say, I’ve read over and over and I believe whole-heartedly that humans need boundaries.  We must have concretes and absolutes.  Kids must have their boundaries or they will face horrid challenges as adults to conform, to perform, to meet the face of their peers, cohorts and enemies and deal properly with each.  Adults must have the same.  I see the lack of boundaries and absolutes in the Navy as The One Most Devastating cause of morale and discipline failures we have today.

Absolute truth, concretes, laws (not the ones passed in the USG, but those which really are RULES) must exist, must be comprehended and must be committed to by the superiors and the subordinates in all places of our society.  There is no exception to the church or to individual christians.  Period.  In fact, I am certain that it is actually EXCEPTIONALLY true about Christ’s house and inhabitants.  We are the salt and light, and our projection upon the earth is that of God’s Absolute Authority over our lives, those outside God’s family and all of creation.  Period.

Colson said this problem is why so many are turning to Islam, because it is a source of concrete rules, of doctrine where the adherent is required (REQUIRED) to follow the rules.  Period.

SHAME on me.  Shame on us.  Shame on us for not following God’s rules, his directions throughout our lives.  Double shame on us in handling his word as a business manual for making our own names big and our pocketbooks fatter.  TRIPLE shame on us who deny that God’s testimony of himself could even possibly, even minutely unimportantly, be questionable.

If I don’t agree with the Bible, saying it is wrong in this place or that part, I am wrong, not the Bible.  Be my argument the handling of sex and relationships, I am on the losing end.  If my argument is health and wealth being mine and not at the sole discretion of my God in his unwavering will, I am at fault.  If I want to chill out with a cold one and a smoke and talk about the hot chicks at work for hours, giving up the chance to go to worship and renew my walk with my fellow christians in the race that we all swore we’d begin and complete without reserve, and I argue that the Bible has given me that freedom now, for I am free…  I’m wrong there too.

And I’ve done them all.  All three listed and plenty others.  Some still hurt, the miserable, sinful, horridness of my choices AS A PROFESSING CHRISTIAN and I shudder to recall them.  I am forgiven, but the chills remain, an inescapable cross that casts its shadow on my face, reminding me of how much argument with my God costs.  I still haven’t finished dealing with some of it.  Some of my sins’ shadows are going to come knocking here eventually,  and there’s really nothing I can do but wait for the color to show and seek the restitution as it becomes possible.

All that simply means that personal defiance, denial, departure in regards to God’s Word is the stuff of nightmares.  It’s death to testimony, death to ministry, to fellowship, to witness, you name it.  It might not destroy your salvation, which God has fore-ordained and pre-paid from before time and through Christ’s sacrifice for the death penalty, but it can render us with empty pockets and bare feet when we come home to him, asking in our groveling shame to be numbered among the lowest servants.

Worthiness to be called sons of God includes living up to the terms of adoption.  We enter a new house, we fall under its rules.  Children grow up under a set of rules in their homes.  If ever they return to their childhood home, the rules, I would think, would still be there.  We owe Our Lord that commitment, that very signature-in-blood-oath that is our own fundamental, unshakeable, absolute truth:  Obedience and belief.

Walking the fence?  Peril.  If you fall off, you’ll hit hard on either side.  There’s your ground truth.

I’ve been reading Sproul, Schaeffer, MacArthur, Paul, Peter, Luke and a bunch of other stuff.  I listened to Chuck Colson on the radio, along with Chuck Swindoll, John MacArthur, R. C. Sproul, Dr. David Jeremiah and a host of others (Though I think the local Christian radio station essentially stinks here, being negligent in their commercialism and foul in their screening of advertisers, they do feature the above teachers on their daily casts).  I’ve seen a bit of internet blogging and video as well.   You could say I’m really looking for some answers.

One answer that I feel is most important, so much so that if one were to stop reading this post after the next two sentences, all would be complete.  I have found there is a need for people to hear this and hear it good:

“You are going to argue; you, are going to argue, with WHO?  The Creator of the universe took the time to specially design you, personally pen you a complete, unobscured revelation of Himself, suffer for you on the cross, die for your sins, you profess to believe all this (or not, either way is moot), and you.  actually.  intend.  to disagree with His viewpoint?  Beg pardon?”

Basically, I’m feeling an itch on my foot and it sure seems to be inclined toward shaking the dust off…

I have seriously begun to try wading through the apparent morass of dispensational vs. covenant theologies, and I don’t think I’ve got far with that.  The basic reason for this theological dissection is that I’m from a pretty much dispensational baptist sort of background, intend to attend a reformed presbyterian church (PCA, not PCfrUitS-And-nuts) and I’m informed of the serious difference in ecclesioeschasoteribaptiologies.  There is so much scholarly work on both sides and I can’t seem to make sense of either one.  I am suspicious that this whole debate must be over a mystery that the Lord has not yet uncovered for our amazement or that we just can’t get along.  One thing I will note is that in my reading so far, the dispensies seem to be leading the way in meanness, but that doesn’t mean much since I may well have just not come across their covenant peers-in-arms.

I have seriously continued to try wading through the personally discouraging morass of learning how to love others as the Lord commands.  This has such miserably limited tangible results that I count myself a fairly washed-up washup.  I don’t think I know how to do it.  I pray.  I try it all with as much peace and patience as I can muster, and leave the rest to the Lord.

I see less worth in the worthless things around me.  I see more worth in that which brings less worth in this mortal span.  I am broker than broke, but His richness surpasses my sorry state.  I am tired and feel lost, but when I look to him, which is not often enough, I am alive and feel strong.  I need prayer and not just from those praying for me, but my own prayer.

Why?  Prayer isn’t a magic wand, getting us what we want.  It isn’t a toolbox that, when the right words are pulled from the drawer, gets the Lord convinced to help us out.  Prayer isn’t a self-motivation exercise that allows us to help our selves so that God will help us.  Prayer doesn’t get us those things just cause we do it.

Prayer is a continuous dialogue with our Creator and Master who has deemed it worthwhile to join us in conversation that flows from us in words of praise and adoration, desire and dream, penitence and remorse, fear and devotion, reflecting back upon Him the glory, sovereignty, omnipotence, grace, love and perfection that He already is, only this through our recognition, which essentially magnifies and glorifies Him all the more.  We get what we want not because we want or we need but because He is gracious, sufficient, loving and capable of providing.

We pray this each night before bed, and I strive to take this literally, with the fullest I can grasp of its scope and magnitude:

Our Father, (There is only one, this one, no alternative, not just God, but our Father that surpasses all fatherliness on this planet; the sole example of what father really is.)

Who is in heaven, (Holy and separate from us yet we know where you are.)

Hallowed be your name. (So holy and separate, revered even at just the mention of your name.)

Your kingdom come (Not that it should or that we want it eventually to get there, but that it already has, and will continue to come, acknowledged and awaited.)

Your will be done (Let it be done, make it so, we know that it is and has and shall be, and we acknowledge it with welcome arms.)

On earth as it is in heaven. (Let there be no difference, let us see it here and believe it here and with no question that there is any difference between your methods there or here.)

Give us to day, our daily bread, (For what more can we ask, those daily things that prove our breath and our pulse; and let us keep our mind on these simple things, knowing that all else can be counted as waste on our bellies.)

And forgive our sins (For we are sinners, no doubt that we are, and we have no recourse but to turn to you, you for forgiveness, for restoration, for fitting back onto the course when we have fallen.)

As we forgive those who sin against us. (May I never, never ask for your forgiveness, when I have not let go those offenses against me.  I make your sacrifice, your salvation, a mockery when I in my self-righteousness come to you for that which I will not give my neighbor.)

Lead us not into temptation (Take us far from it as the East is from the West.  Drive us from temptation  with every step we take.)

Deliver us from the evil one (Let me never worry that I have fallen into his nefarious grasp, rather, prevent me from my inclinations toward his ways.  Prevent me from denying you, from placing myself before you in authority, in reverence, in motive.)

For yours is the kingdom (Always and forever, there is no other.)

And the power (There is no power in existence that can twitch even a flicker of a shadow upon your supreme sovereignty.)

And the glory (And there is no glory but your glory, and may I take my need for pride solely  in that fact, that you are my God and your glory is my chief aim in my existence.)

Forever and ever (None of what I have just prayed shall ever change in tone or in value for all eternity.  While I am here on this earth and there in your presence, what more is there to pray?)

Amen. (And that’s final, period, I can say this prayer again, but it really does have the finality of it all built right in)

I have seriously been struck by my lack of discipline, lack of reverence and plain lack of obedience in my little life.  I’ve seen the light in some major areas and am a Penitent Man therewith.  There is a sense of authority that has been welling up in my life that is not my own, but that of the Lord.  I, on the other hand, feel that my ability to control, to will, seems so feeble that it rather hurts.  I haven’t reached a definite point here, nor can I get my head wrapped around it all yet.

Something I heard quoted by Chuck Colson today, which I’ll paraphrase and embellish lalala, resounds in my head like one of the Korean bells from when I was there in 1992, clear and vibrating like nothing else:

Consider the Lord, when surveying the whole of creation, from the great whirling galaxies and the gemstone planets, the trees, the waves, the men and the goats, the grains of sand and the DNA proteins, when he surveys all this, one thing can be heard, his own voice, crying out through all space and time…

“MINE.”

Waking up on weekends is sort of a challenge.  It has always been so, which makes me wonder why it really is such a challenge.  Friday and Saturday nights are usually concluded with prayer, tuck-ins and a reminder to try to let Mommy and Daddy sleep in.  The true joy of a weekend is that, once in a while, it works out and sleeping in happens.  This is rare, but just like Christmas and Easter and Birthdays, the rarity makes for so much more sweetness when it does happen.

This is not really the occasion for the post.  It’s all mornings I’m blathering about.  Nearly every morning, when I’m up with the kids, sleep-in or no, there’s a sort of let-down.  It’s very Very VERY hard to face kids in the morning.  It really hurts when the first fight, disobedience, mess or other discipline opportunity comes around.  It always feels like I’m starting the day off on the wrong foot when I have to assert the rules and God’s commands first thing.

And there’s plenty of guilty feelings that come with it.

“You! Please don’t torture your sister!  We need to start our day right, with love and kindness!”

“Hey! You need to get your stuff ready for school, not torture the cat!”

“Kid! PuhLEASE don’t yell at each other.”

Lalala, on and on, neverending story…

Can’t I just give them a break this weekend?  Let them off the daddy-hook just this once and we can all just ignore this rough start, hoping that the rest of the day will be fine?  Maybe we’ll all be at peace, settled differences and everything by lunch?  Wouldn’t that alleviate my disappointment with myself, with them?  Should I just let it slide on Saturday mornings?

No.  I sure wish.  But no.  I can’t let up.  I only have them for so long.  There’s a deadline I have to meet, not in progress, but in effort.  I owe my girls every ounce of help I can muster and maintain.  Which is actually pretty depressingly limited overall.  My oldest could be leaving home in FOUR years.  She’s currently due to graduate when I’m 39.  I have only so many weekends left, and every chance I get, shouldn’t I be communicating what is right and good for our Lord?

They’re not going to honor their Father and Mother unless that role worthy of honor is maintained.  We preach the commandment to our kids all the time, but rarely have I heard anyone preach the reverse.  What do we do as parents to maintain a position worthy of honoring?  And I’m painfully aware that there’s nothing worth honoring in me, being a broken, selfish sinner myself.  But as Christ has freed me and I am declared righteous, so should I do my utmost to live that way.

And therefore a mystery exists.  Imperfect as I am, God has set up the relationship in our family so that honoring Father and Mother, obedience, respect, acceptance is the rule.  All The Time.  Should I break from that mandate on Saturday mornings, doesn’t that introduce an anomaly, a dual-mode that is false and misleading?  It’s like pretentiously dressing up to the nines for church to make our outward appearance appear holy and pure when our lousy hearts turn on when the intro starts and shut off right about the time the invitation ends in service.

I can’t stop fixing, much as I’d like to.  There are too  many occasions when I just plain fail to daddy my girls right anyway.  I sin against them almost daily in one way or another, through negligence, over-reacting, tolerance or whatever.  I place my case before His throne morning and night, asking forgiveness and grace just to make it through another day.  Which includes being a better daddy for my girls.

No, I will not give up mornings, much as I detest the first fire that must be put out.  I pray they all will have something to honor today and when tomorrow comes, I dearly hope they’ll look back and see there was something worth honoring.  When they graduate, when they marry, when we gather together, I hope to see love and respect in their expressions, recognition that I tried my best and it was noticed.

When I was a wiccan, walking in the spirit would mean doing some cool astral travel.  I would tune out the world and hit the skies for a romp in a place of pure energy and peace.  I’d commune with my gods on a sort of non-verbal, sensual level.  It was immediately rewarding and fun, very empowering but left a rather empty, lonely space in the end.

There was no real fulfillment in such metaphysical activity.  I certainly never allowed the sheer peril in which I placed myself to come into my conscious thought, though I knew very well just what kind of trouble I was getting into.

But what I sought was a real pairing, a community, a relationship with deity.  Something I’d been raised with in my Christian home was missing.  I didn’t have access to God and never would in my failed condition.  Sin had always ruled my life, though I was just. so. close. to salvation as a kid in church that I knew something of what it should be like to be right with God.  I spent 10 years as a wiccan trying to reach that rightness.

And here it is in simplicity, the real Walking In The Spirit:

Galatians 5:12

“I say then:  Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.  For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.  But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.”

I knew all along that I was in sin.  I knew what the result of sin was.  And I knew what was required to escape the result.  I just refused to accept it.  Not going into the long discussion of how it all worked or what the sordid details entail, I essentially was involved in the literal interpretation of nearly every item listed in verses 19-22 of Galatians 5.

Here I am now, still a sinner, still wishing it could all be packed up tight and taken from my pockets, but I’m stuck with the remnant of a sin nature that won’t go away until Jesus comes to get me.  I have, though, the means to suppress it, and that is the communion with the Spirit I have through prayer, fellowship and the Word.  That’s walking in the Spirit.  God is right here with me and He’s going to keep me straight on course just so long as I submit to the commands He’s given in the Bible.

I can’t do it without staying in the Bible and praying and keeping the relationships with my fellows.

I know this little post isn’t really as deep or wordy as most others, but this issue is simple to me, though hardest to keep on my table.  It needs to get displayed and studied and pursued.  So here’s my little reminder to me.  Pray, bud.  Pray and pray and study and pray.  Pray the Psalms, pray the prayers throughout the whole Bible, pray some more.  And finally, pal, act on it without fear or reservation.  Make integrity a synonym of Walking In The Spirit.

There was a prayer opening the services today, preceded by a psalm, which was also a prayer.  I forgot which one it was.  So in looking around, I found another one.

Psalm 27

“The Lord is my light and my salvation
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
They stumbled and fell.
Though an army may encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war may rise against me,
In this I will be confident.
One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord,
And to inquire in His temple.
For in the time of trouble
He shall hide me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.
And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me;
Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me , and answer me.
When you said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to you, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation.
When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the Lord will take care of me.
Teach me Your way, O Lord,
And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies.
Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries;
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!”

A thought crossed my mind in hearing the one this morning and again during this one.  It is kind of silly but not. The good poetry about the Lord is already taken. I fail to find within me the absolute completeness and beauty of the poetry in the Bible. I realize that my content in my life reflects so little of that perfection of poetry in the Word of God.

I’m more like Rahab, or the tax collector, or like any number of others whose faith is there, but started out with that black eye of being an outsider, an outcast, a harlot, a cheat and a thief. It’s a dark and miserable place in which I find myself.  I try to imagine the trials of faith and confidence and acceptance (SELF acceptance, a phenomenon that though others may include you with all honor and love in their community, the SELF will not allow you to completely give your all back because it refuses to believe that truth of that community’s embrace) that these people suffered throughout the extent of their saved, God-fearing lives.  I know I’m not alone here, but I haven’t read too many out there who want to discuss this mess.

But these psalms, like all the rest of the Bible, are true truth (Francis Schaeffer used truth with a T; Truth). I put my faith in Him and He will preserve me. I put my desires in Him and He will fulfill me. I put my needs in Him and He will sustain me.

There is nothing God has not done or will not have done in my life.  This might sound like a rather weightless statement, but it makes sense to me.  God is everywhere in time, so what He will do is what He will have done, if that drift is gettable.  He’s got me laid out from start to finish and my course isn’t my worry.

So my Want-Needs must be communicated to Him, but not so much for His benefit, but for my own, that I might ensure they are aligned to His will.  And I have what looks like a Huge list for Him from my perspective.  Each one of these seems to contain a lifetime of needs and requests and patience and endurance.

I have a Wife.

I have 4 daughters.

I have a church.

I have a pastor.

I have a Mom and Dad.

I have siblings, their spouses, their kids.

I have people who work for me.

I have people for whom I work.

I have friends.

I count almost all of these as blessings almost all the time.  But they are all intimately involved in my needs and wants.  They all present problems for me and they all extract from me fears and reactions and mistakes and everything else that is in me, whether good or bad.

I have no lack of needs.  And I have no great confidence in Him who meets my needs.  I guess this is where my innate pragmatism comes in… I can shut all that off, most of the time, and turn on the Believe Switch, which closely resembles cruise-control on my car.  Relinquishing controls isn’t what is hard for me; it’s the worry about what’s going on that I can’t control that kills me.  But if I can’t hack it, I have to give it up to the Lord, whether I’m feeling the faith or not.

This is all rather mishy-mushy and I can’t really encapsulate it in this outside-face forum.  Suffice to say I can and Must put my faith…

“Do not leave me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation.

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.”

So today I think I’m going to talk about issues of the heart.  All of them, maybe.  One at a time.  Easy enough?  Here goes (I’ll start off complex and work my way progressively to more simple stuff):

A boss today essentially told me I needed to straighten up my act.  There’s a guy who works for me that has serious problems with authority.  He is a classic case of aggressive-passive (intentional wording).  Given a task, he will comply to the very minimum requirements of the task and grumble, back-bite, whine, blame and whatever-else-can-issue-from-the-mouth to the very maximum tolerance of his surroundings without actually crossing the line into blatant defiance.  And he cares not a whit for who hears him or observes it.  But this whole thing isn’t about him.  It’s about me.  The boss said I shouldn’t take that from him.  He said I really need to ratchet down on my little problem-child and basically tell him to put up or shut up.

The boss is right.  And I agreed with him.  As explanation (as opposed to excuse), I said I’d never really run into this type of character at work before and I wasn’t sure what buttons I could push to start getting through to him.  I’ve been in a lot (I think, A Lot) of odd situations with odd circumstances and a broad variety of characters, but honestly I don’t think I’ve ever been saddled with this type of total butt-pain.  So I’ve never really had to use the #9 boot calibration method, which is required in this situation.

The boss said “You wouldn’t let this kind of garbage go on at home with your kids, right?”  To which I obviously had to say, “Of course not.”  And that, of course, gave me pause and I really had to think.  Would I?

It’s two different situations.  I’ve spent my life with my kids and 13 years with my Wife.  I think I know how to diffuse, control, stop, bypass and deal with this sort of mess at home.  And I enjoy an authority and influence at home that I certainly do not possess at work.  So he’s right.  I wouldn’t let that go on in my own home.

At work, I’m in a different situation (keep with me here, it’ll make sense).  I’m experientially subordinate to the people who work for me.  They’ve been in the specific field we work in for a dedicated 3 years wherein I’ve been at it for less that 6 months.  They’re well acquainted with each other and the majority of the other workers in the environment.  I am not.  They have become set in their routine, methods and practice.  I am not part of that.  All of this combines to make a battlefield in which I am at serious disadvantage.  I don’t really know the lay of the land.  The enemy is thoroughly entrenched and they know the ranges, weather, terrain and maneuvers to get what they want done.

Bullshit.  If a guy consistently cusses you out behind your back and essentially tells you where you can stuff it, even if he ultimately complies with orders, he is an insubordinate failure.  And you have allowed him to fail.  Point one to God’s law.  As leader, I am responsible.

If someone persistently offends, practicing unacceptable practices, hurts others, leads the progression of others’ growing skills in the same negative behavior, then that person is a failure.  And you have allowed him to fail.  Point one to God’s law.  As leader, I am responsible.

It’s a matter of the heart.  I’ve a better grasp and performance rating in this leadership process at home.  While nowhere perfect at it, I strive as patiently and enduringly as I can to battle uprisings of bad attitudes, hurtful actions, fighting, backbiting and general monstrocity daily.  And I am as relentless as I can be.

I have not taken that integrity, ethic, standard to work with me.  Because I am afraid.  Because I’m dealing with people with whom I’m not intimate and with whom I’m not familiar.  So I err on the side of weakness, avoiding conflict with the problems because I want to be liked.  Because I want work to be good.  O do I want the work to be good.  But instead I hate my job.  I spend no little amount of time hating myself because of what I do (rather, don’t do) at work.

I have not kept my faith in my God in focus.  I faith myself to death at home.  Praying doggedly for my family in general and in specifics.  I push my kids’ buttons with as much strength as I can to get them as sin-free as I can, knowing each time that success is of God and not of me.

But I don’t do that at work.  I change faces at work.  And the face I have is not particularly admirable.

Simple bit:  It’s of the heart.  I’m not sick.  It is not the fault of the jerk at work.  It is not the environment at work.  It’s not the lack of fulfillment at work.  It’s not stress at home making my work wrong.  It’s me.  Me resisting the pulls of the Spirit to pursue God’s ways at work.  I have let the World work a weak spot of corrosion in my character.

It’s of the heart when you’re dealing with a liar.  It’s of the heart when you have a deep depression.  It’s of the heart when you’re battling someone who just. won’t. listen.  It’s of the heart when you can’t seem to give up this or that.

Yes, physical conditions, the environment, other people, the weather, body-odor can all contribute to aggravate a problem.  But the real root is just that, the heart.

We’ve been studying in Romans at church.  We read in Chapter 1 how things suck so bad that if we really grasped the depth of the problem, we’d probably all just curl up into little balls and wait for the meteor to obliterate us.

Romans 1:28,

“And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness, full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.”

Simple.  31 flavors.  One for everyone.  Pick.  I have most of them in my toolbox.

Simplest:  Just in case anybody didn’t see their personal colors in 1:28, here’s the catch-all:

Romans 3:10 (and Psalm 14:1-3)

“As it is written:  ‘There is none righteous, no, not one;’”

We’re messed up.  It’s in the heart.  Can’t blame it on the rain.

Now how does it apply to the current theme here on my little blog?  Healing?  Look.  I am aware of the physical problems.  I know about medications now, and clinical diagnoses and everything.  I may not know everything, but I know way more than I really want to know now.  I’ve done research and see the light.  There’s no denying a physiological and environmental part, huge part, in all this trial.  But in the end, should all those things be cured…

It’s still in the heart.

And that’s what I’m praying for most of all.  That He’ll put us all in the way of fixing her heart.  He’ll do it, I’m sure.  I just want the joy of being a part of that miracle.  And I want it more than I want to fix the thing at work.

But, I think, as I’ve said and have been told a million times before:  If you can’t be trusted in the little things, how can you make it in the big time?

Parable of the Talents, Matthew 25:14-30.  Look it up.  I did.