I have to admit, my ignorance has been in error these past months.  I’ve glossed over and failed to grasp the gravity of all this.  I’ve been on cruise mode, content to let things lie.  And they sure have lied.  Let me think all was going okay, that we were pretty good.  Er.  Maybe not.

In my research today, I learned a few things.  One most prominent is that we do not come out in the open about our problems, and this one is horribly true about what’s going on now.  It’s not just a defeated attitude that says “I am beyond help” but a fear of causing more harm or hurting more people in our path.  And that is just what can’t happen.  Nobody knows means nobody cares, which proves quite simply the delusion, the lie that exists.

I found out about some ways to track changes and find out what sets things off.  I found out that it’s not just the dark sided moments that are horrible, but that those incredibly “up” times where you’re bouncing and flying were just as bad, maybe worse.  I saw, from hindsight, a whole slew of times that show that you’ve been dealing with this for so long.  And it hurts to know it now.

I’m still not sure what I am able to do.  I’m able to learn more, maybe observe more.  Maybe that’s a start.  I want to help more.

What is scary is that the more I read or hear about this, more doors are opened, revealing more things to be concerned with.  Ignorance is bliss, even though it’s also usually dereliction of duty at the same time.  So I guess I have to keep trying.  I kind of have to; the authorities say this could last for the rest of our lives.

And I have to keep in mind that every time you strike or fly or cry or flip, it’s not automatically you.  These things happen, they have to be dealt with, but I can’t take them personally.  Everything I’ve seen fails to disprove that you love me, that you’ve been chosen for me.

I have to dodge the bullets and continue loving you.  So I pray for that, the strength to keep moving, courage to keep learning and following through, the love to be visible through it all, whether you can see it or not, depending on the moment.

Because one day you’ll know it for sure.  You’ll look back and see it and I sure don’t want you to raise your eyebrow at me and ask me “what the heck were you thinking?”  I don’t want to mess it up.

I Corinthians 4:16-18

“Therefore we do not lose heart.  Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”