PAEM PART 1
hat do you think about when you are in a big group of people?
The more people there are the less I am able to think. I get more observant than communicative. Or, in some cases, I get into a chameleon suit and begin to emulate whatever current is circulating the group. I’ll become more (uncontrollably) talkative, which I really hate, and not think about what I’m saying. I guess I feel forced to participate, especially in a social situation. It’s as if I’m trying to participate in conversation and decision-making, which I can manage just fine if all alone or with a couple of people at a time. In times like that I go on auto-pilot, but the whole thing feels forced. That’s one reason why I don’t go to big-fun social events very often, because I feel out of control there.
The tough thing is that my reaction to the problem is not necessarily the moment of, but the aftereffects. I feel emotionally drained, miserable, tired and just plain… I dunno, scared after an encounter. Mild symptoms, say if I’ve been out shopping in a crowded store for several hours, leaves me grouchy, headachy and very anti-social. But when it’s direct interaction, my little world feels like it’s squashing me.
You don’t seem like you care so much about other peoples opinions about you.
I was just wondering. perhaps this could be part of your fear?
I am pretty secure in not worrying about others’ opinions, but I’m never comfortable in the situation of a crowd.
I’m always questioning whether I’m right and if I should be doing whatever it is I’m doing. Maybe I have difficulty doing things that affect other people’s reaction to me, or just plain affect them.
In a routine, where just regular problem-solving communication is going on, it’s not a big problem for me. It’s like night-and-day when comparing my feelings in a small group and then in a large group. I can lead, I know that, but being in the middle, trying to lead, is very very hard.
When I get involved in major changes to a group, its dynamics and communication as a whole, I get really freaked out. Like being backed into a corner. Often this is a pretty irrational fear, too, because
(a) the Lord is running the show and most of the time He’s put me in the situation.
(b) Other people control the situation, rather than me, since I’m rarely the big kahuna
(c) when I’m in these situations I’ve waited until I’m convinced of the truth of a decision and its value.
But thinking on those things doesn’t really help.
I’ve had this problem magnified to really horrific (to me) levels three times in my current job. On the O’Kane I took up championship of a new idea for fixing and maintaining a system that required the formation of a team. There were a lot of road blocks to that organization, and much resistance among the people who needed to be a part of the plan. And I was THE junior guy at the time. I had all the conviction and know-how to be certain I was right, and I had the confidence to start the ball rolling, but at the same time, when I started the process, the miserable and scared started hitting me.
When I was in GTMO, a similar thing happened, in which I read the books and this time with several partners took up the cause to fix problems. This involved reorganization of people and the way they did business to make things better. I have very fuzzy memories during some of these stressful events, but I know it felt like weeks, maybe even months that went by where I would come home almost every night worn out (not in a good way), with no life left in me. I would be tired to the point of not caring about anything, and just spun up and confused at the same time.
And the same thing is happening here. It’s the big stuff that really brings out the worst in me. And I can’t stand it. I’m sitting here typing (because I can think clearly when all by myself), hating the fact that I’ll have to go to work shortly and face it all again.
I do criticize myself here. I feel like maybe I’m being selfish, that I’m focusing on my own misery, rather than sucking it up and moving out at a determined pace. But I just can’t seem to make the body do what the brain believes. The feelings become physical symptoms. Sometimes I even feel sick (which, eventually, I sometimes do become, if the whole mess continues long enough).
And I feel like I’m doing a disservice to my Lord, for I know He is in control and has guided – will guide the things in my life. Especially the big things. I feel like He’s put me here, in these situations, because I see and can do what should be done. But sometimes It feels more like a warning that I’m not doing the right thing. But my actions and decisions are carefully thought out. The consequences or results are not entirely in my control (which should give me comfort). My timing is always based on waiting until the right moment.
And I should be the strong one, who is out doing the job, no worries, toughing it out. I’ve got everything going for me. Lord and family, faith, constantly improving Christian life, good pastimes, pretty much all that should be in life and less of what shouldn’t on a regular basis. I should be growing, and am. But these problems (which really should be expected, as trials must always come) really hurt. Not like hurt when I fight with my family, or like when my daughters really mess up, or my sadness over the unsaved state of a dear friend. No, the trials in which I find myself today really do hurt.
Speaking earlier of memory. I suffer from memory blocks too. Sometimes if the environment is stressful enough, my long-term memory is shot. I remember very little of the first year of Gwen’s life, and I think it’s due to the amount of crises that were going on then. I don’t remember too well everything that has gone on in past situations like this, and that doesn’t help much, either.
