Kindle a new fire

on the first day

lit from the cold ashes

of my sordid past.

Tear all that lingers

seared on my flesh.

Bring me away, bleached

bones, from long sands’ reach.

Remove this despair.

Unleash my fear.

Wed faith to my cries.

I have left thy side.

Bring me to ashes,

bent neath the dust

in a blackened robe

rough, bitter and cold.

These wandering eyes

my beating heart,

call them to new death.

End this endless breath.

Blind me with your hand.

Diminish me

into the shadow

behind the cold stone,

pierced and famished,

alone in ashes,

till you recall me

parched for want of thee.

This comes from the sermon today on Jonah 3:5-9 and Psalm 51.  Repentance.

Another fast one.  Took something like 2 hours.  This isn’t my favorite sort of subject, but I”m practicing along with some un-familiar territory just to broaden my horizons.  Not so much in color as texture, but in retrospect, it’s just a fairly decent quick painting and not much else.

Another relatively short little ditty.  Playing with colors and shadow.

I haven’t been much up on my drawings and paintings.  Here’s a quicky I threw together this morning.

Had a chance to meet our pastor today.  It was good, considering we’ve been attending for a few months now, and not formally introduced ourselves or anything.  The point of the meeting was for counsel; seeking direction on how to improve my husbandly qualities.  I asked about things like membership and stuff as well, getting the chance to describe our particular position and how I was coming personally, rather than attending the weekly meetings of the Men’s group and making it to every Sunday service (work prevents, home-duties prevent etc.).

Interestingly enough, and happily, the conversation did not take off in a comfortable, sympathetic, inane sort of way, but directly to something I hadn’t really expected.

The Armor of God.

The Pastor led me through a quick study of Ephesians 6.  I hadn’t ever considered the remarkable placing of 5:22- 6:5 with the armor of God (6:10-17).  Just never thought about it like that.

Ephesians 6:15 and,as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace

What stood out most was the shoes.  The shoes of the gospel of peace.  I always thought of it as a sort of reciprocal result of sharing the Gospel.  Actually, that’s not the point of the shoes.  It’s a matter of positioning, grounding, traction.  In the Gospel, being well founded in the Message so that I am prepared for the attacks and maneuvering required in my Christian life.  There is peace, a grip on the terrain, confidence that is derived from being well grounded in the Gospel.

I sure didn’t say it as well as the Pastor did, but it works for me.   There’s a lot more that went along with this.

It ties in to my husbandly qualities in being prepared for the trials that we both face daily.  Work, school, Scouts and everything else serve up plenty of crises that turn us into real bears.  Being prepared with the armor, including a good foundation in the Gospel, is the way to face our troubles with confidence and hope.

Revelation 12:10 And I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, “Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. 11 And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.

Paper Screams was condemned to the ether-trash a little while ago.  I have uploaded the last backup from March 25th of 2009.  All poetry is on LAH now as well as whatever postings were on PS.  It’s organized by dates of original posts.  Poetry is still sorted as was on PS (category/book).  Many of the images were lost because of dropped links (outside the home site) and I’ll fix those I can.  Some may not come back.

I have applied the category “Paper Screams” to all the poetry.  Additional categories that apply to Paper Screams content include:

• Nightfall
• Paper Screams
• Poetry
• Shadows
• Sunrise
• Flickers

NOTE:  My work in Paper Screams spans about 20 years of my life and there is material that is not suitable for youn-uns (primarily in the Sunrise department).  I have made efforts to notify readers of sensitive material in such cases.  You’ll see them with the headline

“This poem is classified DRUNEO for Don’t Read Unless Not Easily Offended.”

(Notify me immediately if I’ve missed one)

There are NO instances of inappropriate imagery or other media on the site.

I heard Jack Graham preach today on the radio.   He was talking about a lot of stuff but one thing stuck out was a little part of an analogy he was making that prompted me to think of this bit today.

I am most thankful, this Thanksgiving, for Christ’s paying the Price.

I think being a Christian has a little in common with being in one of those Most Expensive Stores out there.  You know, the kind where you don’t ask “how much is this?” before you buy it.

Graham was talking about how we must be prepared to give up everything we have.  For many of us, there’s a point in our walk where we really do get to face the decision to give everything to the Lord.  There is the point where we don’t even look at the receipt, just pick up the directions Christ gives us without considering the cost.

That’s where I am thankful, that he paid the price for our sins and that we get the freedom to serve him fully without reserve, without having to hold in reserve some part of our bank account for a rainy day.  No hoarding the food for some later month or hogging the gas “just in case.”

In Luke, Christ calls for the young rich guy to give it all up.

“One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.”

In Luke again, Zacchaeus really does give it all up.

“Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.”

In Acts, Ananias and Sapphira didn’t get the gist of the directions.

This really is a promise as much as a commandment.  For us to surrender all is for us to be free from the bonds of all.

Thank you, Lord, for your great blessing of true liberty.  Thank you for lifting us from our worldly cages, those bonds that we have made for ourselves.

I thank you for your wonderful examples of how this commitment works.  Thank you for Steve Smith (and all his family, even), who has been living out your commandment to Not Count The Cost in reaching out with your Gospel to the world.

Thank you for all the pastors we’ve had in our many churches who continue on with their great ministries though shy the great funding and all the comforts that this world affords so many great leaders.

Thank you for the brave, tireless souls in our military who strive to serve you while serving the country, short on pay, often dirty, worn-down, hungry and scared.

Thank you for my little family, and that we can learn from your Word how we too can walk into the store of your blessings and guidance and not have to check the price-tags.

Today I got the privilege of attending a class on The Institutes.

I can’t begin to explain all the coolness and faith-building and eye-opening I enjoyed there.  It was like a cruise to the North Atlantic and seeing a beautiful blue iceberg and realizing that, despite the awe-inspiring view, there was a monumental bit more that was there, but wasn’t visible, its effects seen but not completely perceived.  I’m not sure as that makes sense, just as the mysteries of God are just that, mysteries.

So I’m just going to put my notes down here, including some of what was going through my head as discussion developed the ideas.

First off, the topics were:  Predestination, Reprobation, Eschatology and a bit of Ecclesiology.  Fer us disedimicated folks, them’s technical terms that cover Salvation, Damnation,  End Times and Church.

Second off, lemme add my personal view of how the title track could run in this session:

Predestination Makes The Claim That God Does Not Wring His Hands.

I stole that twist of phrase about wringing hands from the meta of Pyromaniacs, but am not sure where specifically.  Suffice to say I definitely wasn’t intelligent enough to come up with it myself and am barely smart enough to use it properly.

As advertised in class itself, Predestination “Exalts God and Humbles Man.”

Okay.  On to what stood out to me as important.

1.  Calvin put predestination sort of in the middle of his work.  NOT in the front or in the back.  In other words, he apparently went against his own movement’s trademark focus and seems to have made priorities higher than predestination.  I personally gather that he took predestination as a given, not so worthy of massive defense and controversy.  IMHO, that is, kind of like Paul and the others didn’t really spend all that time defining and defending and elaborating something that God set up and apparently worked just fine without our perfect understanding.

2.  Slightly important.  Predestination is NOT unique to Calvin.  You don’t have to be a Calvinist to believe in predestination.  Arguably, all of us Christians believe in predestination whether we realize it or not.

3.  Mystery part.  God elects based on his mercy and for his good pleasure and his glory.  Pretty sure most will recognize the source of this statement.  Though I’m not a catechism or creed fed christian, I sure find that the Bible agrees quite a bit with the idea here (maybe because it’s bible-inspired?), that God does what he wills and how he wills, period.

4.  Election, the idea of the visible and invisible church, regeneration and all that take the glory away from the institution, the preacher and the witnesses, putting it back on the One Legitimate Recipient.  Can’t claim credit for saving somebody if the idea of Regeneration-within-Election is valid.  Fuzzy to contemplate in my mind, this is, so I may not be too clear.  I am, however unstable in terminology, stable in conviction.

5.  Reprobation (which leads to condemnation).  God PRE-DECIDES who is NOT gonna make it.  That part is very shocking, was for me to actually encounter it today, but it’s completely sensible and in agreement with the above predestination idea.  Therefore, God reprobates based on his good pleasure and his glory.  Read the story of Jacob and Esau for context.  One he loved and the other…

6.  Eschatology.  Unlike my christian education in the past, Calvin deals less with End Times stuff.  He paid attention to that stuff that was really meaty, valuable and apparently (I need to study more) of more consequence in the Bible.  Resurrection.  He didn’t focus so much on rapture details, Armageddon and all that which makes us shudder and look for Tim Lahaye to hook up the prophecy trough.

7.  Ecclesiology.  There again, the election and regeneration thing came up, giving us the visible and invisible church.  NOW there is an explanation for PKs (Pastors’ Kids) and GUBAs (Grown Up Born Again:   Those who have been christians all their lives) and how they either fall away or experience a sort of “second salvation” in the non-calvinist christian communities.  Strangely enough, this doesn’t seem to be a problem with these reformed guys.  It’s just as dreadful or awe-ful as reprobation, the notion that God chose before the dawn of time who was going to turn from Him for all eternity, to consider that there are people IN the church who APPEAR to be regenerate but ain’t gonna make it.

And finally, so much of this is just. plain. avoided in christian conversation.  The idea that just maybe God had EVERYTHING pre-selected, from heaven-bound souls to unrepentant rebels in parish suit-and-tie to druggies; every one of us to our destination, is really un-hip conversation material. Also un-hip is sitting back and NOT digging holes to China in our attempts to discern the details of the mysteries and prophecies of the Bible.

So, really, my question is…

How come Everybody is more than a little interested in dissecting the mysterious future of God’s end-times schedule (seals and plagues and fire and brimstone and who is that antichrist anyway), with movie after movie and book after book, fiction and speculation and “fact” oh my.

Yet we won’t address the lack of understanding of the real details that count, like God’s sovereignty and how we can glorify him.  I think, based on how my awe of God is greatly increased after this morning, that we could all benefit greatly on learning more about how God glorifies himself and causes everything he has made to glorify him.  More glory to him when we understand better how he is glorified, right?

In other news, I’ve been going to counseling with my beloved.  We’re studying marriage.  I’ve been sick for a few days along with the mama and our Molly.  I’m looking for a second job (one of those part-time things to cover differences between Navy pay and the money we owe).  Molly is a High Schooler (!!!!!).  Joscelin, Bo and Gwen are all in elementary school with no problems and lots of excitement.  The world is sorta rolling along around us.  It appears we’ve been led to a good church, and that is cause for excessive thankfulness.

Thinking about contentment and peace in my heart.  Challies had a well crafted discussion of the topic today at his website.  The whole idea has more to it than choosing to be at peace with things or to choosing battles, selectively avoiding stuff that disrupts our contentment in Christ.

Experience tells me that the flow inward will directly affect my contentment and peace.  Just as what I put in my mouth affects what comes out, so does that same food affect my internal state.  What I put in my mind and heart affects the attitude and mental state of me as well as what comes out of my mouth.  Contentment produces contented actions and words.  Things that make contentment must be taken in order to get or maintain contentment.

But that’s all in the Bible too, well before my limited learning could apprehend this gem of an idea.

A quick run through the engine at www.BibleGateway.com gave me some examples of this in and out stuff:

Job 20.

Proverbs 10:14

The wise lay up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool brings ruin near.

Proverbs 10:31

The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but the perverse tongue will be cut off.

1 Corinthians 6:13 says:

“Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.

So what I really need is more Romans 12:1&2

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

I need to keep a steady flow of the Godly into me in order to combat the fear, the confusion, the disturbance, the misery, the hopelessness that surrounds me.

I’ve always stuck to the rule that good food doesn’t have to just be healthy.  There’s a real goodness to food that makes you feel good.  Even if it’s well below the level of good for you, and borderline bad for you, it can be good.  Take the Double Whopper With Cheese from BK.

This is way bad for you.  Greasebomb cholesterolpill 3-days-of-calorie-rations nastiness.  But when I get sick, tired and worn-out with a cold or other booger-hacking-slimy affliction, one of these and a gallon of orange juice serves to set me just right. I might not get healthier because of the non-nutrients this food is giving me, but it improves my mood and outlook significantly.  The DWWCfBK is better than a Tylenol and a nap.

How much more effective in our spirits is the Word and Prayer and Worship and Fellowship.  They are just the right nutrient-filled, tasty treat to banish our fretting and malcontent.  You can’t live off these things (well, except for the fellowship part, if you go to the right church), but I tell you, you can LIVE off these things.  In the last few weeks, I’ve started leaning back toward them, taking more and more in, slowly increasing the dosage and man, I can’t seem to understand why it is that I ever back off these good things!

And you can’t live without them.  A man without the water of life flowing through him is a dried up shell.  There’s no point to being a Christian if you’re not being one.  What a waste.

So turn off the gunk and put on the Gospel.  Put away the pulp and pick up the pulpit.  Dump the despair and decide on devotion.

Newsboys sing about it.  They’re not old fuddy-duddies from the turn of the century.

Jars of Clay sing about it too.  Ditto.

Oh, wait.  That is an old song.  But wait!  It’s cool, cause J.O.C. sings it!

Nobody can say our Christian culture is behind the times and there’s no relevant way to compete with the garbage that’s out there.  Say you need something better than

Blah.  Enough pandering to the masses.  The Bible, with all its GLORIOUS conservative, single-minded, absolute, timeless, beautiful, convicting, unfaltering, unforgiving, forgiving, loving, exclusive, intolerant, sacred, one-of-a-kind message is more than enough, tons more than enough for the sickness inside.  It’s gonna teach you contentment that no burger, no beer, no hit, no therapy, no home-run, no sabbatical will get you God.

The Bible with the escorts and vanguard of the great writers and singers and bands and artists that believe the BIBLE is true and right and that the ONLY way to the Father is through the Son, is all we need.  Fooey on the rest.

So I’m content.

More of the Chuck Colson I heard this week on the Focus On The Family radio broadcast.  Marines during the Vietnam war spent countless hours training every day to be able to fight and survive Over There.

Why don’t Christians, who have so much more to lose, to gain, even come close to that sort of preparation for combat?  I thought the same way when I was a Newbie to the faith.   I’ve distressingly slacked off on my PT and combat conditioning as a Christian since.  I absolutely must (and want) to get that back.

Also, an alarming thing that has been around a while, but is sparked by not just the Colson this week, but with Anika’s history course in college (her term paper) and a bunch of other stuff, including a sudden, rather interesting resurfacing at work of my writing from last year.

Truth.  We still have a massive problem with truth.  Apparently, over 50% of christians cannot grasp or commit to the concept of True Truth, of absolute truth.

Let me make this clear, any denial of absolute truth, the existence of such or the questioning of such in regards to the Bible, is a denial of the Gospel.  Introduce one speck of doubt that the Word of God is true and what follows is denial of the Gospel.  One can claim not to understand certain parts all day long.  One can be in sin, sad and in confusion about Biblical principles or whatever.

But if a christian claims to believe the Gospel, on the name of Jesus Christ (John 3:16), and says there are parts of the Bible that may not be true, or that they just can’t believe in absolute truth, that person is seriously WRONG.  Here is where rubber meets the road.

Allowing the Bible to have non-absolute truth is what has brought the Episcopal church in America to the swine-pens.  It is what has made good churches flop to eating peelings and offal with the animals.  It is what has led to the tarnishing of the name of God in the eyes of the world.

Lemme say, I’ve read over and over and I believe whole-heartedly that humans need boundaries.  We must have concretes and absolutes.  Kids must have their boundaries or they will face horrid challenges as adults to conform, to perform, to meet the face of their peers, cohorts and enemies and deal properly with each.  Adults must have the same.  I see the lack of boundaries and absolutes in the Navy as The One Most Devastating cause of morale and discipline failures we have today.

Absolute truth, concretes, laws (not the ones passed in the USG, but those which really are RULES) must exist, must be comprehended and must be committed to by the superiors and the subordinates in all places of our society.  There is no exception to the church or to individual christians.  Period.  In fact, I am certain that it is actually EXCEPTIONALLY true about Christ’s house and inhabitants.  We are the salt and light, and our projection upon the earth is that of God’s Absolute Authority over our lives, those outside God’s family and all of creation.  Period.

Colson said this problem is why so many are turning to Islam, because it is a source of concrete rules, of doctrine where the adherent is required (REQUIRED) to follow the rules.  Period.

SHAME on me.  Shame on us.  Shame on us for not following God’s rules, his directions throughout our lives.  Double shame on us in handling his word as a business manual for making our own names big and our pocketbooks fatter.  TRIPLE shame on us who deny that God’s testimony of himself could even possibly, even minutely unimportantly, be questionable.

If I don’t agree with the Bible, saying it is wrong in this place or that part, I am wrong, not the Bible.  Be my argument the handling of sex and relationships, I am on the losing end.  If my argument is health and wealth being mine and not at the sole discretion of my God in his unwavering will, I am at fault.  If I want to chill out with a cold one and a smoke and talk about the hot chicks at work for hours, giving up the chance to go to worship and renew my walk with my fellow christians in the race that we all swore we’d begin and complete without reserve, and I argue that the Bible has given me that freedom now, for I am free…  I’m wrong there too.

And I’ve done them all.  All three listed and plenty others.  Some still hurt, the miserable, sinful, horridness of my choices AS A PROFESSING CHRISTIAN and I shudder to recall them.  I am forgiven, but the chills remain, an inescapable cross that casts its shadow on my face, reminding me of how much argument with my God costs.  I still haven’t finished dealing with some of it.  Some of my sins’ shadows are going to come knocking here eventually,  and there’s really nothing I can do but wait for the color to show and seek the restitution as it becomes possible.

All that simply means that personal defiance, denial, departure in regards to God’s Word is the stuff of nightmares.  It’s death to testimony, death to ministry, to fellowship, to witness, you name it.  It might not destroy your salvation, which God has fore-ordained and pre-paid from before time and through Christ’s sacrifice for the death penalty, but it can render us with empty pockets and bare feet when we come home to him, asking in our groveling shame to be numbered among the lowest servants.

Worthiness to be called sons of God includes living up to the terms of adoption.  We enter a new house, we fall under its rules.  Children grow up under a set of rules in their homes.  If ever they return to their childhood home, the rules, I would think, would still be there.  We owe Our Lord that commitment, that very signature-in-blood-oath that is our own fundamental, unshakeable, absolute truth:  Obedience and belief.

Walking the fence?  Peril.  If you fall off, you’ll hit hard on either side.  There’s your ground truth.